never alone.

I had a really good week filled with lots of fun friends. This weekend was going to be a continuation of my great week according to my plans. Funny thing is God's plans don't always match up with mine. 

Friday after class I was going to see Emily and spend some much needed time with her in Malvern. School and work pretty much consume her life these days and we don't get much friend time in so I was really looking forward to this weekend. I gave up going on a retreat with the college ministry I'm apart of. I gave up a Friday night football game with my family. But I knew these sacrifices would be worth it.Hannah had my GPS so I googled directions but then I started feeling sick. I had prayed about going to Malvern. Something just didn't feel right but why would God not want me to go? I needed time with Emily. 

He used this sickness to keep me home. I used the night to rest, prepare for a DNOW  next weekend, and work on my documentary. These are things I needed to do but not what I planned for AT ALL. I was disappointed and lonely. I felt let down. Yet I had hope that this weekend was not a total waste and that today would be better...it was worse (kind of).

 I got to sleep in =) and spend some time with my precious little sister Hope Katherine. We played board games, basketball, and got ice cream. We went to visit my grandparents tonight which is something I've missed and been wanting to do. All good things. I should be happy, right? 

But my heart is not happy. Satan has been attacking me all weekend with lies and I've been believing every single one of them. He has been telling me that I am alone. I am not fun to be around which is why I have not been asked to do anything this weekend. I am unworthy of love. Etc. For a while I sat around feeling sorry for myself. Wishing life were different. Praying that God would make it better now.

Then I started reading my bible, God's love letter to me. And this is what I read today:

Philippians 4:4-7 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

so just now I "accidentally" found this: 

2 Thessalonians 3:3 - "But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one." amazing LOVE.

After reading these verses I journaled and asked for a heart change. I begged God for joy. I think what I really wanted was circumstantial happiness tonight but that's not what He had for me and I'm so glad!

I've been reading through Matthew and today I read in chapter 26. Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane feeling distressed and anguished. What does he do with these feelings? He cries out to His father..."My Father! If it is possible, let this cup be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." again he prays: "My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done." A third time He prays a similar prayer. I am so blessed to have a God who understands my struggles because He's been there and suffered through the same thing and He is suffering with me even now. I would LOVE for this nasty feeling to go away but maybe this "cup can't be taken away until I drink it". Maybe I have to endure this. Maybe it will be over when I wake up in the morning but maybe it won't. However long it lasts I am taking comfort in knowing that my Father's will is being done. 

Matthew 26 and those "joy" verses would have been enough but I turned to Psalm and read chapter 17 for today and then I read chapter 18. wow. I felt like God put this chapter in the bible just for me to read tonight. 

"I love you Lord; you are my strength. the Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise and he saved me from my enemies...But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears...He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters...He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because He delights in me...You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness...God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises are true." that's just a portion go read the whole chapter =)

This weekend was nothing like what I expected, desired, or planned. But it was exactly what God had for me. I'm still struggling with Satan and could use your prayers but I know my God is victorious. He saved the day! 


thank you Jesus for not giving me what I want. Thank you for making me have a lonely weekend. thank you for being with me through every moment. i'm sorry for not giving you all of me, for thinking i have better things to do than spend time with you. thank you for teachable moments. break me and change my heart. thank you for being for me and for never forsaking me in my weakness. your grace still amazes me. I love you!