"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may only be aware of 3 of them." - Piper

I haven't blogged in a year. 

I student taught in 1st grade and 4th grade and in May I graduated with a degree in Early Childhood Education. I also got MARRIED :)

And God has been teaching me. A LOT.

For the past several months I have been searching for a teaching job. It's August 1st and I still don't have one. But I am OK. I wasn't but now I am. All because God is using this season to teach me and to draw me to Him. And for that I am SO thankful. Just today He has shown me SO much and I wanted to share it here so that it may give hope to someone else and so that I can look back and remember how faithful my God is.

"I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a safe place." - Psalm 31:7-8

"If you think your suffering is pointless, or that God is not in control, then your suffering will drive you to God - as it should. So it is crucial that faith in God's grace includes the faith that he gives grace through suffering." - John Piper

"God so values our wholehearted faith that he will, graciously, take away everything else in the world that we might be tempted to rely on - even life itself. His aim is that we grow deeper and stronger in our confidence that he himself will be all we need. He wants us to be able to say with the psalmist, 'Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail but my God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.' Psalm 73:25-26" - John Piper

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." - James 1:2-3

"If you live gladly to make others glad in God your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full." - John Piper

"And I am certain that God, who began a good work in you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." - Phil. 1:6

"Tell God what you need and THANK HIM for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand." Phil. 4:6-7

"Love of money is the alternative to faith in God's future grace. It is faith in future human resources. Therefore the love of money, is the underside of unbelief in the promises of God Jesus said in Matthew 6:24, 'No one can serve two masters...you CANNOT serve God and money.' You can't trust in God and in money at the same time. Belief in one is unbelief in the other. A heart that loves money - that banks on money for happiness - is not banking on the future grace of God for satisfaction." - John Piper

"Hope in God! - Trust in what God will be for you in the future. A day of praise is coming. The presence of the Lord will be all the help you need. And he has promised to be with you forever!" - John Piper

"His timing is perfect, but it is rarely ours." - John Piper

"If you don't point people to God for everlasting joy, you don't love. You waste your life." - John Piper

"The world doesn't need your pain, nor do they need your painless joy. What the world needs most from us in joy IN the very depths of pain." - John Piper

"Yet IN (not after) all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." - Romans 8:37

"Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ." -  John Piper

"Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll keep you steady, keep a firm grip on you." - Isaiah 41:10
 

Defining Love.

In 250 days I get to marry Tyler McKinney. I CANNOT WAIT! :) 

We have been engaged for about 7 months now. In the past seven months I have been doing quite a bit of reading about marriage. I want to be prepared. I spend a lot of time pinteresting wedding planning. But I want to spend even more time planning for the rest of my life rather than just that one day, although I know it will be one of my happiest, most special days. I have read or am currently reading the following books and I am open to more suggestions:
 What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage by Paul Tripp
Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll
Love and Respect by  Eggerichs
 Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrott
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
We are using Preparing For Marriage from FamilyLife for our premartial counseling

My favorite book thus far has been What Did You Expect. It is teaching me so much. Sometimes it is a slap in the face and strong dose of reality. At other times it is a beautiful reminder of the purpose of marriage. In Sacred Marriage, Thomas poses this question: What if the purpose of marriage isn't to make you happy, but to make you holy? Not gonna lie this is hard to swallow some days. But it makes me think. As a girl I have dreamed of the picture-perfect happily ever after. Even through Tyler and I's dating and engagement we are always talking about how excited we are to be married and most of our excitement is focused on those "happy" feelings. 

But even now, before marriage, I am beginning to understand this holiness business. Honestly, it's tough. I want the happily ever after but I am learning that to get there you have to get through reality.  In What Did You Expect he talks a lot about how we are sinners marrying sinners. I cannot enter into this covenant relationship expecting Tyler to be perfect, to never hurt me, or satisfy my every need. He is a sinner just like me. He will do things I don't like and I will get hurt. He won't be able to fulfill or satisfy my every need. And he doesn't have to. God has that handled. These are things I knew before reading the book but I so needed to be reminded of them. Even just in the past few days. God is teaching me a lot about grace and forgiveness. I am praying that He will continually teach me how to show the same mercy and grace to Tyler that Christ has shown and is showing to me. 

Recently God has been bringing this well known passage to mind. 1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Love. Real Love. Biblical Love. The Love that Jesus shows. It doesn't look like fairytales or happily ever afters. It looks like 1 Corinthians 13. I'm having to change my definition of love to look like this and change the way I love to reflect what Jesus taught. It isn't easy. I read these verses and replace the word Love with my own name. I pray. I pray that God will give me strength to love Tyler like this. through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know that I can't do this on my own. I need a Savior. 

I am so thankful for a God who is teaching me about the gift of marriage and his definition of love. What it is. What it isn't. Reality. 

Thank you Jesus for giving me Tyler. Thank you for writing our story. Help me to live out love the way you defined it. Make me holy.

 

Love Story. Part 3.

Part 1
Part 2

From the beginning of our relationship we have known that we wanted to get married. We told each other "I love you" the day after we started dating and meant it. I guess it really is true when people say that "when you know, you just know". We have talked about engagement and marriage throughout our relationship. We even worked through part of the 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged book. God continued to confirm over time that we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.
I don't know the exact moment I knew without a doubt that Tyler was the one for me. I think it was a gradual process for me. He says he knew without a doubt over Christmas break. I went to visit him he weekend before Christmas and when I left he cried. I always cry when we have to be a part for more than a day (I know it's pathetic) but he doesn't really cry. So when he called after I had only been gone for about ten minutes and told me he had been crying I was surprised. He said he didn't want to have to be without me and that it wasn't the same without me there. He's precious, I know :) We weren't supposed to see each other again until New Year's Eve but he couldn't stand it so he showed up at my door on Christmas Day. I was completely surprised! 
At the beginning of this year we started to talk about when we would be engaged and Tyler asked me to show him rings that I liked. He said he figured we would be engaged by the beginning of next year or maybe even the end of the this summer if he couldn't wait that long. I just decided to believe that it would be around Christmas...
At the beginning of Spring Break I went to visit my best friend, Brooke. She is getting married in July and I am her maid of honor. We did lots of wedding things. We bought bridesmaid dresses, found her wedding dress, and looked through TONS of wedding things. It was so fun! My drive home lasted about 3 and half hours because it was pouring down rain so I had lots of time. In that time I started thinking about how I wanted to be getting married and how I knew who I was going to marry so why on earth was I not engaged yet?! 
I kept these thoughts to myself but was bitter to say the least for the next few days especially towards my sweet boyfriend. We went to visit Tyler's family at the end of the week. I was quiet (because I didn't want to talk about how mad I was that we weren't engaged) and Tyler knew something was wrong. He kept asking me about it and each time I told me I was fine and that nothing was wrong, I just didn't see how talking to him about it would make things better. I prayed that God would help me to be content and get over being selfish. I had some great devotions during those days and God was helping me.
On Friday I was still bitter and Tyler tried to guess what was wrong with me. He guessed a couple of things and I said no that wasn't it. Then he said, "Are you upset because we aren't engaged?" I just said "maybe" but he knew the answer was yes. He said he was sorry that I was upset and that I needed to talk to him about these things. Then he said he could make me happy by the end of the weekend. I doubted but said, "we'll see". I almost said, "The only way you'll make me happy is if you propose." Funny story: While I was confessing my reason for being bitter the engagement ring was about 20 feet away from me. Tyler said he was trying so hard not to laugh and he also felt so bad for me that he almost proposed right there in his parents camper.
Friday night we were in Branson and we had dinner with our families. After dinner I was still mad and told Tyler to go spend time with his family and I would just go be with mine. I woke up in a better mood Saturday morning and would be in a much better mood in only a few hours. Saturday we had planned to spend the day at Silver Dollar City with our families (his mom and dad, niece and nephew, my mom and dad, and Hope (Hannah was on a trip to Disney World)). We woke up Saturday morning and Mom, Dad, Hope, and I went to meet Tyler's family. When we got to Silver Dollar City his mom insisted that we take pictures before we ride anything. I like pictures and it's pretty normal for her to have a camera so I went along with it. She had Tyler and I pose by different trees as we made our way toward the chapel. When we got closer she said let's go take pictures in there. Side note: Tyler had planned to propose in the chapel. When we got to it there was a sign in front that said "Please be quiet we are having church". His mom went inside and asked if we could please come in so her son could propose. I had no idea any of this was going on. So we walked into the chapel and our moms were taking pictures of us as the altar. I still had no idea what was coming. Then they stopped taking pictures and I was thinking to myself "Why are we still standing up here?" Both of our families had taken seats in the pews. Tyler hugged me and said, "I've been lying to you for the past 15 days. (He had bought the ring 15 days before he proposed.) 22 years ago I took my first steps and today I am ready to take another big step." Then he took my left hand and asked if I trusted him, I said yes and he moved my True Love Waits ring to my right hand. Then he got down on one knee pulled out a beautiful ring and asked me to marry me and I SAID YES!!!! I was so surprised by the timing and the thought he put into everything! I was completely blown away! I spent the rest of the day in shock and I felt really dumb for being so mad the few days before! We got to spend the whole day with our families and it was wonderful :)
We are getting married in May 25, 2013!!!
I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with Tyler McKinney and I cannot wait to be his wife! Please pray for our future marriage and all our wedding planning!!!

 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us! Ephesians 3:20

 

Love Story, Part 2.

You can read Part 1 here

During camp Tyler added me on Facebook and sent me a message. Two weeks after camp I messaged him back. According to him those two weeks took forever! We just messaged back and forth about camp and our ministries for a few weeks. Then one night Tyler messaged me and said the scariest thing ever happened to him but it was too long to type out so he would need to call and tell me about it. He called and we talked for an hour. He later admitted that he really just wanted to call me and needed an excuse :) I thought it was pretty clever.

We talked to each other on the phone for about a month and just spent time getting to know each other. We admitted that we liked each other and talked about pursuing a relationship. After a little over a month we got to see each other again. Tyler and his mom were in Conway for a college day and I went to meet them. As soon as I got out of my car his mom came over and gave me a big hug, I instantly knew I liked her :) 
Later in August I went to visit Tyler in his hometown. He wanted me to meet his youth group on his last Wednesday before he moved to Conway and wanted to take me on a date. He picked me up in Fayetteville because I am the world's worst with directions and we spent the day together. I stayed the night with my sweet friend Brea and her mom and the next day met up with Tyler again. It was a great few days and we definitely knew we wanted to begin a relationship. He wanted to ask my Dad for permission first and I was so glad so we waited. 
A few days later he moved to Conway and the next day he talked to my Dad. We started dating that afternoon on August 14,2011. 
For the next seven months we saw each other almost everyday. We spent a lot of time with my family here in Conway and made several road trips to see his family in Northwest Arkansas. It has been such a blessing for each of us to be so comfortable around each others families and to feel so loved and accepted. I realize that that is not always the case and am grateful that we have the families we do. We went on dates and made memories and served in ministry and just did life together. 

to be continued...

Love Story. Part 1.

If you read any of the posts I wrote on this blog last year you probably read about me being very single and learning that God is always enough. If you had told me last year that one year later I would be engaged I would have laughed in your face. I knew that God had a plan for my life but I wasn't 100% sure that it involved marriage and if it did involve marriage I figured it would be several years down the road. This time last year I was soaking up my season of singleness and realizing that God was using it for His glory. Then June happened and my life changed forever...

Last June I took my sweet kiddos from church to Camp Siloam. At camp we were placed on teams. My church was on the red team. The other church on our team just so happened to have a male counselor about my age. We met in the gaga ball pit (a dodge ball type game) when he beat me in the game. I guess you could say it was love at first loss for me ;) just kidding!! 
Later on during the week I learned that this male counselor's name was Tyler and that he was from Northwest Arkansas but was moving to Conway in the fall to start school at Central Baptist College. He was a youth minister and had come to Conway in January of last year to meet a man named Larry White (my dad) to talk about potential ministry jobs. Tyler was friendly and attractive but I tried really hard not to think about those things. I had come to camp to teach kids about Jesus not to meet a boy and I had been preaching to my kids all week that we were at camp for God not boyfriends or girlfriends.
When we left camp at the end of the week I thought I probably wouldn't ever see Tyler again and if we did we would only be friends. Some of my girls kept telling me that he liked me but I didn't want to get my hopes up so I chose to ignore their comments. On the way home one of my girls said, "You are going to date that boy from camp." Who knew that a 12 year old had the gift of prophecy? :) 

to be continued...

remind me.

in January, my Sunday School teacher challenged me to pick one word for the year 2011. this one word would describe my year and what I wanted God to teach me. I would look for this word in each joy, trial, and every day moment. 
I chose the word... 

 enough

My purpose in choosing this word was to find that God is enough. In every area of my life I wanted to truly believe and live out that truth. God has used that word so many times this year to show me that He truly is enough. He showed me through a season of singleness. through a job. through friendships. through college. through a boy named tyler. through every day things. 

I am so thankful for the ways that God has proved to me that He is enough for me. 

Tonight, my word for the year took on a new meaning. It was no longer just a lesson on God being more than enough for all of me but a lesson in humility as I remembered the fact that I will never be enough for Him. God is holy and righteous and perfect and I am so far from that yet HE LOVES ME. 

On my way back to Conway tonight I was searching for a radio station and heard this song  http://youtu.be/QSIVjjY8Ou8  called Remind Me by Jason Gray. I absolutely love that God uses music to show me His heart. 

REMIND ME WHO I AM Lyrics
Jason Gray

When I lose my way
When I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
is who I don’t wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I can’t remember what grace is

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone
and I’m running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can’t receive Your love
Afraid I’ll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I’m Your beloved
Can You help me believe it

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

I’m the one You love
I’m the one You love
That will be enough
I’m the one You love

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You
Whoa
Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You
To You
To You

 

where sin runs deep

confession: I am a sinner. I am in desperate need of God's grace and mercy.

I often look at the lives of other people and look for their sins. I guess I do this to make myself "feel better". I tend to forget that all sin is equal.  Lately I have begun to realize how un-perfect I am and I am learning how much I need God's grace and mercy. Because I habitually categorize sin I usually think that other people need God's grace more than me. I am learning that I am extremely needy of the grace that HE gives maybe even more so than those I judge as sinners. 

This morning I read this in my quiet time:

The reason I can still find hope is that I keep this one thing in mind: the Lord's mercy. - Lamentations 3:21-22 ♥

Then on my way to school I listened to my Passion CD and "Lord, I need You" by Chris Tomlin began to play. It is my favorite song on the CD and I often play it on repeat. This morning God used it to remind me that I cannot live a life of holiness without Him. I have been trying to do this on my own and it is. not. working. at. all. I need Him EVERY hour. all. day. long. I am so thankful that He is always there.

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay