"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may only be aware of 3 of them." - Piper

I haven't blogged in a year. 

I student taught in 1st grade and 4th grade and in May I graduated with a degree in Early Childhood Education. I also got MARRIED :)

And God has been teaching me. A LOT.

For the past several months I have been searching for a teaching job. It's August 1st and I still don't have one. But I am OK. I wasn't but now I am. All because God is using this season to teach me and to draw me to Him. And for that I am SO thankful. Just today He has shown me SO much and I wanted to share it here so that it may give hope to someone else and so that I can look back and remember how faithful my God is.

"I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a safe place." - Psalm 31:7-8

"If you think your suffering is pointless, or that God is not in control, then your suffering will drive you to God - as it should. So it is crucial that faith in God's grace includes the faith that he gives grace through suffering." - John Piper

"God so values our wholehearted faith that he will, graciously, take away everything else in the world that we might be tempted to rely on - even life itself. His aim is that we grow deeper and stronger in our confidence that he himself will be all we need. He wants us to be able to say with the psalmist, 'Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail but my God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.' Psalm 73:25-26" - John Piper

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." - James 1:2-3

"If you live gladly to make others glad in God your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full." - John Piper

"And I am certain that God, who began a good work in you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." - Phil. 1:6

"Tell God what you need and THANK HIM for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand." Phil. 4:6-7

"Love of money is the alternative to faith in God's future grace. It is faith in future human resources. Therefore the love of money, is the underside of unbelief in the promises of God Jesus said in Matthew 6:24, 'No one can serve two masters...you CANNOT serve God and money.' You can't trust in God and in money at the same time. Belief in one is unbelief in the other. A heart that loves money - that banks on money for happiness - is not banking on the future grace of God for satisfaction." - John Piper

"Hope in God! - Trust in what God will be for you in the future. A day of praise is coming. The presence of the Lord will be all the help you need. And he has promised to be with you forever!" - John Piper

"His timing is perfect, but it is rarely ours." - John Piper

"If you don't point people to God for everlasting joy, you don't love. You waste your life." - John Piper

"The world doesn't need your pain, nor do they need your painless joy. What the world needs most from us in joy IN the very depths of pain." - John Piper

"Yet IN (not after) all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." - Romans 8:37

"Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ." -  John Piper

"Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll keep you steady, keep a firm grip on you." - Isaiah 41:10
 

Defining Love.

In 250 days I get to marry Tyler McKinney. I CANNOT WAIT! :) 

We have been engaged for about 7 months now. In the past seven months I have been doing quite a bit of reading about marriage. I want to be prepared. I spend a lot of time pinteresting wedding planning. But I want to spend even more time planning for the rest of my life rather than just that one day, although I know it will be one of my happiest, most special days. I have read or am currently reading the following books and I am open to more suggestions:
 What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage by Paul Tripp
Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll
Love and Respect by  Eggerichs
 Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrott
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
We are using Preparing For Marriage from FamilyLife for our premartial counseling

My favorite book thus far has been What Did You Expect. It is teaching me so much. Sometimes it is a slap in the face and strong dose of reality. At other times it is a beautiful reminder of the purpose of marriage. In Sacred Marriage, Thomas poses this question: What if the purpose of marriage isn't to make you happy, but to make you holy? Not gonna lie this is hard to swallow some days. But it makes me think. As a girl I have dreamed of the picture-perfect happily ever after. Even through Tyler and I's dating and engagement we are always talking about how excited we are to be married and most of our excitement is focused on those "happy" feelings. 

But even now, before marriage, I am beginning to understand this holiness business. Honestly, it's tough. I want the happily ever after but I am learning that to get there you have to get through reality.  In What Did You Expect he talks a lot about how we are sinners marrying sinners. I cannot enter into this covenant relationship expecting Tyler to be perfect, to never hurt me, or satisfy my every need. He is a sinner just like me. He will do things I don't like and I will get hurt. He won't be able to fulfill or satisfy my every need. And he doesn't have to. God has that handled. These are things I knew before reading the book but I so needed to be reminded of them. Even just in the past few days. God is teaching me a lot about grace and forgiveness. I am praying that He will continually teach me how to show the same mercy and grace to Tyler that Christ has shown and is showing to me. 

Recently God has been bringing this well known passage to mind. 1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Love. Real Love. Biblical Love. The Love that Jesus shows. It doesn't look like fairytales or happily ever afters. It looks like 1 Corinthians 13. I'm having to change my definition of love to look like this and change the way I love to reflect what Jesus taught. It isn't easy. I read these verses and replace the word Love with my own name. I pray. I pray that God will give me strength to love Tyler like this. through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know that I can't do this on my own. I need a Savior. 

I am so thankful for a God who is teaching me about the gift of marriage and his definition of love. What it is. What it isn't. Reality. 

Thank you Jesus for giving me Tyler. Thank you for writing our story. Help me to live out love the way you defined it. Make me holy.

 

Love Story. Part 3.

Part 1
Part 2

From the beginning of our relationship we have known that we wanted to get married. We told each other "I love you" the day after we started dating and meant it. I guess it really is true when people say that "when you know, you just know". We have talked about engagement and marriage throughout our relationship. We even worked through part of the 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged book. God continued to confirm over time that we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.
I don't know the exact moment I knew without a doubt that Tyler was the one for me. I think it was a gradual process for me. He says he knew without a doubt over Christmas break. I went to visit him he weekend before Christmas and when I left he cried. I always cry when we have to be a part for more than a day (I know it's pathetic) but he doesn't really cry. So when he called after I had only been gone for about ten minutes and told me he had been crying I was surprised. He said he didn't want to have to be without me and that it wasn't the same without me there. He's precious, I know :) We weren't supposed to see each other again until New Year's Eve but he couldn't stand it so he showed up at my door on Christmas Day. I was completely surprised! 
At the beginning of this year we started to talk about when we would be engaged and Tyler asked me to show him rings that I liked. He said he figured we would be engaged by the beginning of next year or maybe even the end of the this summer if he couldn't wait that long. I just decided to believe that it would be around Christmas...
At the beginning of Spring Break I went to visit my best friend, Brooke. She is getting married in July and I am her maid of honor. We did lots of wedding things. We bought bridesmaid dresses, found her wedding dress, and looked through TONS of wedding things. It was so fun! My drive home lasted about 3 and half hours because it was pouring down rain so I had lots of time. In that time I started thinking about how I wanted to be getting married and how I knew who I was going to marry so why on earth was I not engaged yet?! 
I kept these thoughts to myself but was bitter to say the least for the next few days especially towards my sweet boyfriend. We went to visit Tyler's family at the end of the week. I was quiet (because I didn't want to talk about how mad I was that we weren't engaged) and Tyler knew something was wrong. He kept asking me about it and each time I told me I was fine and that nothing was wrong, I just didn't see how talking to him about it would make things better. I prayed that God would help me to be content and get over being selfish. I had some great devotions during those days and God was helping me.
On Friday I was still bitter and Tyler tried to guess what was wrong with me. He guessed a couple of things and I said no that wasn't it. Then he said, "Are you upset because we aren't engaged?" I just said "maybe" but he knew the answer was yes. He said he was sorry that I was upset and that I needed to talk to him about these things. Then he said he could make me happy by the end of the weekend. I doubted but said, "we'll see". I almost said, "The only way you'll make me happy is if you propose." Funny story: While I was confessing my reason for being bitter the engagement ring was about 20 feet away from me. Tyler said he was trying so hard not to laugh and he also felt so bad for me that he almost proposed right there in his parents camper.
Friday night we were in Branson and we had dinner with our families. After dinner I was still mad and told Tyler to go spend time with his family and I would just go be with mine. I woke up in a better mood Saturday morning and would be in a much better mood in only a few hours. Saturday we had planned to spend the day at Silver Dollar City with our families (his mom and dad, niece and nephew, my mom and dad, and Hope (Hannah was on a trip to Disney World)). We woke up Saturday morning and Mom, Dad, Hope, and I went to meet Tyler's family. When we got to Silver Dollar City his mom insisted that we take pictures before we ride anything. I like pictures and it's pretty normal for her to have a camera so I went along with it. She had Tyler and I pose by different trees as we made our way toward the chapel. When we got closer she said let's go take pictures in there. Side note: Tyler had planned to propose in the chapel. When we got to it there was a sign in front that said "Please be quiet we are having church". His mom went inside and asked if we could please come in so her son could propose. I had no idea any of this was going on. So we walked into the chapel and our moms were taking pictures of us as the altar. I still had no idea what was coming. Then they stopped taking pictures and I was thinking to myself "Why are we still standing up here?" Both of our families had taken seats in the pews. Tyler hugged me and said, "I've been lying to you for the past 15 days. (He had bought the ring 15 days before he proposed.) 22 years ago I took my first steps and today I am ready to take another big step." Then he took my left hand and asked if I trusted him, I said yes and he moved my True Love Waits ring to my right hand. Then he got down on one knee pulled out a beautiful ring and asked me to marry me and I SAID YES!!!! I was so surprised by the timing and the thought he put into everything! I was completely blown away! I spent the rest of the day in shock and I felt really dumb for being so mad the few days before! We got to spend the whole day with our families and it was wonderful :)
We are getting married in May 25, 2013!!!
I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with Tyler McKinney and I cannot wait to be his wife! Please pray for our future marriage and all our wedding planning!!!

 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us! Ephesians 3:20

 

Love Story, Part 2.

You can read Part 1 here

During camp Tyler added me on Facebook and sent me a message. Two weeks after camp I messaged him back. According to him those two weeks took forever! We just messaged back and forth about camp and our ministries for a few weeks. Then one night Tyler messaged me and said the scariest thing ever happened to him but it was too long to type out so he would need to call and tell me about it. He called and we talked for an hour. He later admitted that he really just wanted to call me and needed an excuse :) I thought it was pretty clever.

We talked to each other on the phone for about a month and just spent time getting to know each other. We admitted that we liked each other and talked about pursuing a relationship. After a little over a month we got to see each other again. Tyler and his mom were in Conway for a college day and I went to meet them. As soon as I got out of my car his mom came over and gave me a big hug, I instantly knew I liked her :) 
Later in August I went to visit Tyler in his hometown. He wanted me to meet his youth group on his last Wednesday before he moved to Conway and wanted to take me on a date. He picked me up in Fayetteville because I am the world's worst with directions and we spent the day together. I stayed the night with my sweet friend Brea and her mom and the next day met up with Tyler again. It was a great few days and we definitely knew we wanted to begin a relationship. He wanted to ask my Dad for permission first and I was so glad so we waited. 
A few days later he moved to Conway and the next day he talked to my Dad. We started dating that afternoon on August 14,2011. 
For the next seven months we saw each other almost everyday. We spent a lot of time with my family here in Conway and made several road trips to see his family in Northwest Arkansas. It has been such a blessing for each of us to be so comfortable around each others families and to feel so loved and accepted. I realize that that is not always the case and am grateful that we have the families we do. We went on dates and made memories and served in ministry and just did life together. 

to be continued...

Love Story. Part 1.

If you read any of the posts I wrote on this blog last year you probably read about me being very single and learning that God is always enough. If you had told me last year that one year later I would be engaged I would have laughed in your face. I knew that God had a plan for my life but I wasn't 100% sure that it involved marriage and if it did involve marriage I figured it would be several years down the road. This time last year I was soaking up my season of singleness and realizing that God was using it for His glory. Then June happened and my life changed forever...

Last June I took my sweet kiddos from church to Camp Siloam. At camp we were placed on teams. My church was on the red team. The other church on our team just so happened to have a male counselor about my age. We met in the gaga ball pit (a dodge ball type game) when he beat me in the game. I guess you could say it was love at first loss for me ;) just kidding!! 
Later on during the week I learned that this male counselor's name was Tyler and that he was from Northwest Arkansas but was moving to Conway in the fall to start school at Central Baptist College. He was a youth minister and had come to Conway in January of last year to meet a man named Larry White (my dad) to talk about potential ministry jobs. Tyler was friendly and attractive but I tried really hard not to think about those things. I had come to camp to teach kids about Jesus not to meet a boy and I had been preaching to my kids all week that we were at camp for God not boyfriends or girlfriends.
When we left camp at the end of the week I thought I probably wouldn't ever see Tyler again and if we did we would only be friends. Some of my girls kept telling me that he liked me but I didn't want to get my hopes up so I chose to ignore their comments. On the way home one of my girls said, "You are going to date that boy from camp." Who knew that a 12 year old had the gift of prophecy? :) 

to be continued...

remind me.

in January, my Sunday School teacher challenged me to pick one word for the year 2011. this one word would describe my year and what I wanted God to teach me. I would look for this word in each joy, trial, and every day moment. 
I chose the word... 

 enough

My purpose in choosing this word was to find that God is enough. In every area of my life I wanted to truly believe and live out that truth. God has used that word so many times this year to show me that He truly is enough. He showed me through a season of singleness. through a job. through friendships. through college. through a boy named tyler. through every day things. 

I am so thankful for the ways that God has proved to me that He is enough for me. 

Tonight, my word for the year took on a new meaning. It was no longer just a lesson on God being more than enough for all of me but a lesson in humility as I remembered the fact that I will never be enough for Him. God is holy and righteous and perfect and I am so far from that yet HE LOVES ME. 

On my way back to Conway tonight I was searching for a radio station and heard this song  http://youtu.be/QSIVjjY8Ou8  called Remind Me by Jason Gray. I absolutely love that God uses music to show me His heart. 

REMIND ME WHO I AM Lyrics
Jason Gray

When I lose my way
When I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
is who I don’t wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I can’t remember what grace is

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone
and I’m running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can’t receive Your love
Afraid I’ll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I’m Your beloved
Can You help me believe it

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

I’m the one You love
I’m the one You love
That will be enough
I’m the one You love

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You
Whoa
Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You
To You
To You

 

where sin runs deep

confession: I am a sinner. I am in desperate need of God's grace and mercy.

I often look at the lives of other people and look for their sins. I guess I do this to make myself "feel better". I tend to forget that all sin is equal.  Lately I have begun to realize how un-perfect I am and I am learning how much I need God's grace and mercy. Because I habitually categorize sin I usually think that other people need God's grace more than me. I am learning that I am extremely needy of the grace that HE gives maybe even more so than those I judge as sinners. 

This morning I read this in my quiet time:

The reason I can still find hope is that I keep this one thing in mind: the Lord's mercy. - Lamentations 3:21-22 ♥

Then on my way to school I listened to my Passion CD and "Lord, I need You" by Chris Tomlin began to play. It is my favorite song on the CD and I often play it on repeat. This morning God used it to remind me that I cannot live a life of holiness without Him. I have been trying to do this on my own and it is. not. working. at. all. I need Him EVERY hour. all. day. long. I am so thankful that He is always there.

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

He who is in me is greater than I will ever be.

this morning I accepted the position of Children's Minister at First Baptist Church Wooster. for the past few days I have been so nervous and just feeling very inadequate for this position. I kept praying and telling God that I am not prepared for this. I am too young, too inexperienced. I am not good enough to lead a children's ministry. I am not cut out for this. 

When I woke up this morning I prayed for God to give me strength and peace. I asked others to pray for me and they did. And then God began to work. As I got ready for church a song came on my Pandora that says, "In my life be lifted high. In our love be lifted high. In this church be lifted high." God reminded me that this job and this life is not at all about me. Our sole purpose is to lift Him high. 

I was running late for church and I got in the car as Shawn McDonald's song "I Will Rise" came on the radio. I love that song, so I cranked up the radio and sang as loud as I could. In the middle of the song it says, "Cause He who is in me is greater than I will be and I will rise." I am not good enough to be a children's minister. I never will be. But God is in me and He is greater and He is able.

The very first song we sang at church said, "Let's forget about ourselves and magnify His name and worship Christ the Lord." Once again God was saying Haley, this is not about you. It's about Me. Then we sang about how the joy of the Lord is our strength and how in Christ alone our hope is found. On days like today, when I feel like I don't measure up and that I can't do it I have to remember that my strength and my hope come from my Savior. At the end of "In Christ Alone" it says, "from life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny" I love that Christ has my whole life in His hands. It is such a comfort to know that He is in control. This morning I told someone that I had no clue what I was doing and he said well just remember even when you don't know what you are doing, God always knows what He is doing with you. 

The journal I use has Scriptures on the bottom of the pages. As I took notes this morning I glanced down and saw these two verses. I am so thankful that God continually meets me where I'm at. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26
Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. - Psalm 62:8


Tonight I got to attend my home church and we had a guest speaker. He talked about the church God blesses. He talked about how we are all called to ministry as Christians and that we have got to stop being lazy and thinking that attending church is enough. It's time that we start obeying the Word of God and actually be the Church to the world around us. His final point was that God blesses the church that is humble. We read about the church at Philadelphia in Revelation and they didn't have a lot to bring to the table. They were honest with God about that and He blessed them. We have to get to the point where we can say God, this isn't going to happen unless You make it happen. This summer I have tried to do ministry on my own more often than not. I didn't seek God nearly as much as I should have and honestly, I just let it be a lot about me. But God used today to humble me and I found myself at an altar tonight surrendering all of this to God. I don't want to do this on my own any more. I need God to do it all and I am trusting that He will!

background.

this summer God has taught me a lot about ministry and humility. Last week at our VBS closing several people went and told my parents that they should be so proud of me. Sunday the pastor announced that the church would be voting on keeping me on staff through the school year. There were "amens" all around and several people came and told me how excited they were. I got full of myself and began to think about how good I had done this summer instead of giving credit where it's due. to Christ alone.

Wednesday night I prayed this: "Jesus, let these kids love you more than GaGa Ball (their favorite game)". I have no doubt that my kids have had fun this summer but I am so convicted that I have been putting more emphasis on games than the Gospel. Last night a little boy said, "Miss Haley, I'll miss you when you're gone. You're fun and let us play GaGa Ball and all the other adults make us sit still." My heart sank and I can't get those words out my head. I want my kids to have fun. I want them to enjoy church. But I want them to do those things because they are encountering God Almighty, not a children's minister who has just let them play their favorite game.

I've gotten in the way of what God wants to do this summer. I've let it be about me and about fun, instead of about Him. I've had this song on repeat all week. 

God, forgive me for letting games be more important than the Gospel. Take me out of the picture and make it all about YOU! Teach me to play the background. Amen.

Background - Lecrae

I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Verse 1:]
It's evident you run the show, so let me back down
You take the leading role, and I'll play the background
I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines
I'm sticking to your script, and I'm reading all your signs
I don't need my name in lights, I don't need a starring role
Why gain the whole wide world, If I'm just going lose my soul
And my ways ain't purified, don't live according to Your Word
I can't endure this life without Your wisdom being heard
So word to every dance, a foe, a pop star
'Cause we all play the background, but mine's a rockstar
Yeah, so if you need me I'll be stage right
Praying the whole world will start embracing stage fright
So let me fall back, stop giving my suggestions
'Cause when I follow my obsessions, I end up confessing
That I'm not that impressive, matter of fact
I'm who I are, a trail of stardust leading to the superstar

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Verse 2:]
I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control. and then I sank
So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes
All the folks who follow me, going end up in the wrong place
So let me just shadow you, let me trace your lines
Matter of fact, just take my pen, here, you create my rhymes
'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed
And no longer trust in you, 'cause I only trust in me
And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction
Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothing
You pulled my card, I'm bluffing, You know what's in my hand
Me, I'm just going to trust you, You cause the dice to land
I'm in control of nothing, follow you at any cost
Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss
Man, I'm so at ease, I'm so content
I'll play the background, like it's an instrument

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

blessed?

last weekend a friend introduced me to The Trachead Family's Praise Invasion. It is good stuff! Check it out here: http://www.trachead.com/

But in a few of the songs they talk about God blessing us or asking God to bless us with riches and cars and nice clothes and expensive things. It bothered me but I couldn't figure out why and tonight it hit me. How does God bless us? I think as Americans we often see blessings as material things or comfortable situations. But I am learning more and more that God never called us to be comfortable.  In Matthew 5 we find the beatitudes.

God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth. God blesses those who hunger and thirst for righteousness and justice, for they will be satisfied. God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called children of God. God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

Obviously, God's blessings are different than what we often think they are. We often believe that following Christ will led us to the perfect relationship, the greatest friendships, the most amazing family life, that we will live in luxury and make the rest of the world wish they were "blessed" like us. And God could chose to bless us that way. But I think we are missing out on the biggest blessing when we expect these things. 

God blesses us with the Kingdom of Heaven, with comfort, with the whole earth, with ultimate satisfaction, with mercy undeserved, with HIMSELF, and with the ability to be His children. 

These blessings are so much greater than worldly things. I so often forget that. So next time we ask God for blessings, let's remember the true blessing and long for more of Jesus!

you are where you are for a reason.

               Last week I got a phone call from a friend asking me to come be a camp counselor for Youth Only Week at Siloam. My first instinct was to say YESSSSS!!!!!! Because I LOVE me some youth camp! This is the first summer in seven years that I have not spent a week at Youth Camp and it makes my heart sad. Don’t get me wrong I love working as a Children’s Minister this summer; I just miss youth more than I thought I would.

                

                   For the past two years, I worked with the youth group at my church every Wednesday night. I did some Girl’s Ministry and helped with special events. Teenagers just have a special place in my heart. Last week I got to go to the nightly service for youth camp at Cold Springs and I LOVED watching students respond to what Jesus was doing in their lives.

              

                   I SO wanted to be at Siloam this week but I am teaching the Kindergarten class at Vacation Bible School this week. I have been praying for God to let me heart be fully at VBS this week and I questioned why He wouldn’t let me be a Youth Camp this week. It just wasn’t fair. Why can’t I be in two places at once??

                 

Then this morning I was reading the teacher devotion for VBS. This is what it says…

As you show love to children this week, you are showing love to Jesus. You are not just filling a spot. You were chosen – first by God and then by your VBS director. Cherish these precious moments. They are opportunities for you to worship Him.

                   God CHOSE me to be where I am for a reason. He WANTED me at VBS this week. I need to trust that His ways are best. I need to make the most of this week and love on kids so that I can love on Jesus. I need to stop wishing I was a Siloam and start thanking God for the opportunity He has given me to make much of Him.

plans.

You can make many plans,

but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.- Proverbs 19:21 NLT

this verse has been coming alive in my life so much this summer. 

about a month ago, I spent the week at Camp Siloam as a children's minister. 6 years ago I spent a week at Camp Siloam as a student. I remember sitting on the rec field with my friend as we talked about how we thought maybe God was calling us to be youth or children's ministers or calling us to be wives of youth/children's ministers. I'm not sure how much of that was "God's plan" or our own dreams. During the next 4 years my plans changed. I dreamed of going to cosmetology school. I searched the best schools in my area and got information from them but after praying about it I didn't have peace. So I ended up at UCA, where I am now, pursuing a career in teaching, which I am excited about! My current plan is to be a teacher for elementary children in 2 years when I graduate but I am beginning to wonder if God's plan is the same.


last summer I had the best job! i spent 4 weeks at church camp, worked 2 weeks of Vacation Bible School, and got to spend a week on a Mission Trip in Wichita, KS. I worked with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I'm so thankful for last summer. a year ago, I planned to do the same thing this summer. along the way, things changed, but my plan was still to work at a camp; after all, it is the best thing about summer! But God's plans were much different. In my search for a summer job at camps and homeless missions far away from home, God sent First Baptist Wooster my way. The church is about fifteen minutes from my house. They were looking for a Children's minister for the summer and I was interested but honestly, I wanted to get away and be at one of the other summer job options. But Wooster is the door God opened and allowed me to enter. After a month and a half of ministry there, I can say I am thankful that the Lord's purpose prevails. 


about 3 years ago I sat with a family member as she asked about my plans for college. I told her where I was going and that I was majoring in Early Childhood Education. She told me that God had been preparing me to work with children since I was very young. She said she had always seen that in me and that she was so glad that I was doing what God created me to do. I do love children and I love Jesus and maybe what God created me to do can be done in both the classroom and the church. 


I don't know what life after this summer will look like. I'm not dropping out of college or changing my major. I'm just trying to open my heart to what God wants and closing it to my dreams because His are FAR greater!

in this moment.

I love to plan ahead. I always want to know what the next step is. But I am following a God who very often only reveals His plans to me moment by moment. I am reading a book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp right now that is teaching me to be thankful in the moment by moment revelation. The entire book seems to revolve around 1 Thessalonians 5:18

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Just today I have read several quotes in the book that jumped out and convicted me in my ungratefulness.

• "Every moment I live, I live bowed to something. And if I don't see God, I'll bow down before something else."
• "You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies -- though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God, and yet [God's] beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is." - Caussade
• "Feelings work faster than thoughts. The only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling."
• "The Lord has to break us down at the strongest part of our self-life before He can have His own way of blessing with us." - McConkey
• "But wells don't come without first begging to see the wells; wells don't come without first splitting open hard earth, cracking back the lids. There's no seeing God face-to-face without first the ripping."
•   "But the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is."

forget me not.

I often feel forgettable and forgotten. I am not the most outgoing person and am often the quieter one in groups of people. So more often than not people forget who I am. Or sometimes I go awhile without hearing from or seeing friends (I realize it works both ways) and I feel forgotten. I struggle with this more than I want to admit. Moving around growing up didn't exactly help my feelings of being forgotten and forgettable. 

Today I was reading One Thousand Gifts and the author wrote about this Scripture:

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. - Luke 12:7

I kept reading and then did some other things but as I was walking through my neighborhood a few hours later the verse came back to mind and I began to dwell on. To let in really soak in. 

The God that created the whole universe, the God who made every man, woman, boy and girl that lives today, that lived years ago, and that will live in years to come, the God who made everything in all creation...that God knows my name, He knows my heart, and He cares so much about me that He has even taken the time to count every hair on my head. That is so amazing to me. It is even more amazing that He has done the same thing for every person that ever has and ever will live. 

God cares and does not forget about His beloved creation. 

When He saw them.

³⁵ Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. ³⁶ When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. ³⁷ Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. ³⁸ Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” - Matthew 9

 When Jesus saw lost people He saw the real condition of their heart. He had compassion for them. He knew that they needed a Savior and He gave them one. 

When I see people who are lost and have lives filled with sin most of the time I don't have much compassion for them. It's usually more of an eye roll and thoughts of judgement. Just being honest.  

But I want to see like Jesus. I want to look past the sin and differences and get to the heart of the matter: people need the Lord. I have Jesus in my life and I need to be willing to share Him with others who so desperately need Him instead of judging their sin that is equal to mine. 

Father, make me more like Your Son!

seeing God for who He is.

The Lord is a jealous God, filled with vengeance and rage. He takes revenge on all who oppose him and continues to rage against his enemies! The Lord is slow to get angry, but his power is great, and he never lets the guilty go unpunished. He displays his power in the whirlwind and the storm. The billowing clouds are the dust beneath his feet. At his command the oceans dry up, and the rivers disappear. The lush pastures of Bashan and Carmel fade, and the green forests of Lebanon wither. In his presence the mountains quake, and the hills melt away; the earth trembles, and its people are destroyed. Who can stand before his fierce anger? Who can survive burning fury? His rage blazes forth like fire, and the mountains crumble to dust in His presence. The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him. But he will sweep away his enemies in an overwhelming flood. He will pursue his foes into the darkness of night. - Nahum 1:2-8

A few months ago I attended a Secret Church simulcast at my church. For the first time that I can ever remember in my 20 years of going to church I heard that God hates sinners. I have never been a regular attender of a "feel-good" kind of church. But even in the churches I have gone to and the way I have been taught and the way I have studied the Bible I have created my own version of God. The Bible says the I am created in the image God not the other way around. It is not up to me to determine who God is. 

In the verses above we see a jealous, vengeful God then at the end we see that God is good and a comfort to his people. How can he be both? Because he is God. I have dumbed God down to fit into something that I can understand and into who I want him to be. I have made him into a sweet and innocent being that will forgive all my sins and love me just the way that I am. I have bought into a lie about who God is. A lie that is comfortable and that sounds good. 

Since January, I have been reading through the Bible. I have never read all the way through. I started in Genesis and am going book by book. Throughout the Old Testament I have begun to see these characteristics of an angry God. A God who cannot stand sin. A God who brings severe punishment on his people when they disobey him. Before this year I had heard many of these stories but I had never made the connection that God hates my sin in the same way that he hated the sins of the people in the Old Testament. God takes sin very seriously and so should I. 

I pray that I will stop creating my own version of God and that I will seek Him and worship Him for who He truly is. 

identity and worth.

In the last five days three of my friends have gotten engaged. In the months and weeks before that several other friends have done the same.  This engagement thing is like a disease that we all want to catch. Today I was talking to one of my non-engaged friends and we were discussing all of these recent engagements of our friends and people we went to church with or to school with. We started joking about who would be next and she said it would be me. I told her there is no way I am next. Not because I don't want to be engaged or married one day but because there is no evidence that it will happen at anytime in the near future. She then said exactly what I had been feeling: I feel left out.

We are so happy for our friends and cannot wait to be at their weddings and celebrate this next phase of life with them. But honestly, we are wondering when it will be our turn. When will we get to change our facebook relationship status, when will we get to wear a pretty ring, when will we get to buy a beautiful wedding dress, and when will we find fulfillment & satisfaction in another person.

Hopefully there will be a day when our martial status changes, our left ring finger displays a pretty jewel, and we wear the most beautiful white dress. But we will never find complete fulfillment and satisfaction in another human. Only Jesus can fully satisfy.

I don't just want a wedding and a ring. I want someone to want me. I want to be loved. I want to be known. I want to be complete. But God is reminding me that a man will never be enough to give me all that I want. God didn't design it that way. God is enough for me.  

He wants me.
Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be made holy and without fault in his eyes. - Ephesians 1:4

He loves me. 
God loved the world so much that he sent his one and only son that whoever believes in him will not die but will have everlasting life. - John 3:16

He knows me. 
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. -Psalm 139:13

He alone makes me complete.
For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority. - Colossians 2:9-10

God knew that many of my friends would get engaged this week. He knew that I would struggle with putting my identity and worth in any place but Him. He knew that I would fail to trust in His plan. So God, being who He is, gave some excellent messages to some pastors that I could listen to online. (Being a pastor's kid myself, I never thought I would actually enjoy listening to sermons, I've heard what seems to be enough to last a lifetime.) Elevation Church is doing a series called Mr. & Mrs. Betterhalf. Northpoint Community Church is doing a series called The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating. The City Church is doing a series called We are Family. God knew that I would need to hear these words from Him this week. He knew all along. 

And just like He knew about the engagements of my friends and my needs for His truths as revealed in those sermons. He also knows the rest of my story. He knows the ending that I cannot see or even imagine. He is working it all out for His glory and my good. Romans 8:28 He has got this all under control. I just have to learn to trust that He knows what He is doing and that His timing is way better than my own!  

boundaries, limits, and the Bible.

Last night I was walk/jogging in my neighborhood. The walking was nice but the jogging was really difficult. I don't participate in much physical activity. Basically, I'm lazy but I am trying to change that as I read Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food.
Anyway, as I was pushing myself to jog and praying for strength, my ipod shuffled to No Boundaries from Kris Allen's season of American Idol. In my mind and my physical strength I wanted to quickly give up on this jogging thing but God sent me a song to remind me that in my weakness, He is strong.


Tonight, I was walk/jogging again and I thought about that song. No Boundaries. That means without limits. I often limit myself according to my own abilities. I have convinced myself that I will never be a skinny person or an athletic person or a runner. I can't do it. And maybe that is true. But my God does not have limits to His power. According to Acts 1:8 - "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you..." He has given me that same limitless power. In my own strength I could not finish my walk/jog or a healthy lifestyle journey but with God's limitless power and strength I can do all things (Philippians 4:13). 


I not only limit my abilities in the athletic realm but in other areas of my life as well. I believe that I cannot do something and so I refuse to even try. I so often forget about the power living in me, the power of the Holy Spirit.

This summer I will be working as children's minister. I have not ever done a job like this before. I did not really ever intend or plan on doing this job but God often has very different, BETTER plans than my own. Even before this job has offically begun, there have been moments where I have believed that I will be a failure at this job and the truth is, if I attempt it on my own I will be. But there is hope, my God will not fail if I rely on Him for strength. He can work through the limits I have placed on my life and lead me into a journey with Him that has no boundaries. I am so looking forward to the way He works this summer. 


I think God has used these moments to remind me how much I need Him and to show me just how powerful He is. May I walk in His strength and power, reminded that I can do nothing on my own, but all things through Him who gives me strength.


2 Corinthians 12:9 - Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."

Worthy of Worship.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...You're everything.

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

These words come from a song by Lifehouse called Everything. God put them on my heart as I walked out of church this morning. Today is Resurrection Sunday. The day we celebrate Jesus who came to die on a cross, bearing the weight of all our sin. Who was dead for 3 days but rose again on that third day. JESUS IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He conquered sin & death. This is reason to celebrate but as I sat in church this morning I didn't see much celebration.

 

I realize that worship looks different for different people. Some people shout, others clap, some dance, others raise their hands, some kneel, others fall face down before the King. Regardless of the method used, Jesus is worthy of worship. We sing a hymn that says those very words. "Worthy of worship, worthy of praise, worthy of honor, and glory.  Worthy of all the glad songs we can sing. Worthy of all of the offerings we bring."  

 

We stood as a congregation and sang songs about Jesus being ALIVE and about how we are alive all because of Him.  "Because He lives I can face tomorrow, because He lives all fear is gone, because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives!" Many people stood in their pews like statues, and I will be the first to admit that I have done the same thing countless times. We seem to just go through the motions. Sing the song, pray the prayer, half listen to the sermon, go home, repeat next week. But that's not what our KING is worthy of. He is worthy of worship, not the half-hearted junk that we give him every Sunday. We were told we could be seated and everyone sat down. Tyler began to sing Glorious Day. As we sang the words,

Living He loved me, dying He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away, rising He justified freely forever, one day He's coming oh Glorious Day! 

I could not stay seated in my seat! JESUS IS ALIVE!! He saved ME! That is HUGE!!! I stood up to worship my King and raised my hands in worship. I will be totally honest and say that I almost didn't because I was worried about what people would think. People don't raise their hands or just stand up in the middle of worship at my church but today I did. I am pretty sure I was alone in it but I  needed to worship and give my Father the glory and honor that HE alone is due. It breaks my heart that we don't give Christ the worship He is so very worthy of. It also makes me wonder what these people will do in Heaven because I am pretty sure there won't be pews to sit in. Crossed arms and expressionless faces won't do! We will have a King to worship. I believe this life is practice for the next so I am going to worship my Jesus now! 

After church was over this morning a lady hugged me and thanked me for being bold. I don't think I am anywhere close to being bold. I have so much work to do. I need to speak out about the Gospel so much more. But I have always heard that if we don't take a stand in the church we will never take a stand in the world. After church tonight a man pulled me aside and told me to never be ashamed to stand up and raise my hands and worship in freedom. He said it meant so much to so many people and that it shows what is going on inside of me. 

It is far easier for me to stand and raise my hands and get excited when everyone else is doing it. I love being in worship services where people are worshiping with reckless abandon. But I think God was using today to remind me that there will times when I will have to stand alone but that doesn't matter because HE IS WORTHY! and He is always with me!

I am praying for the Church to not be afraid of what others think and to just worship Jesus for who He is. Let us not hold back from giving Him our all! Matt Maher sings a song called Christ is Risen that has been in my head all day.  

1 Timothy 2:8 - In every place of worship, I want men to pray with holy hands lifted up to God, free from anger and controversy.

Galatians 2:20-21 - My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For is keeping the law could make us right with God then there was no need for Christ to die.