stuck & needy

love this song!

let that be enough

I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could now
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Let us run...

Hebrews 12:1 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

I have never been a runner. Ever. In my entire life. I don't think I will ever be one. It's just not for me. But according to this verse I need to be running. Not halfheartedly. Not walking. Not jogging. But RUNNING with endurance. God has a race set up for me. It's long and may be way more difficult than I want. But I will never finish this race if I'm just walking. I will only get part of the work done, what God has for me won't be complete if I do not run with all that I have.

Before I can become an enduring runner I have to "strip off every weight that slows me down". Some of the weight comes from sin. Many times sin is very obvious but I other times I make myself blind to my sins. Either by ignoring conviction or comparing myself to other people and their "bigger" sins. But all sin is sin and it breaks the heart of God. Sin comes in so many forms and Satan knows how to tempt us with it. He studies our weaknesses and attacks us at our most vulnerable moments. He makes sin so appealing and without God's help and strength we so often fall into it. This verse says that it easily trips us up. It is not difficult for sin to enter our lives but it can be very difficult to get rid of it. We were born with a sinful nature so sin is what we fall in to. But we aren't without hope. God always provides a way out when we are tempted. It's not always a huge neon sign with flashing lights that says "EXIT temptation here" so we have to be alert and looking for the way out. But it is there every single time. I'm thankful for that and want to look for it way more often than I do now.

Sin isn't the only thing that slows us down, though. Sometimes good things hold us back from finishing the race. Maybe they take up too much of our time. Maybe they distract us. Maybe they hold us back from better things. Whatever it is, it holds us back and slows us down. It keeps us farther away from the finish line.

I don't know all the details of my race but I know I'm ready to start running with endurance. I have things that need to be stripped off and completely let go of. I'm tired of being slow. I'm tired of not giving my best.

Today I am a runner.

what did you get?

Every year after Christmas someone will ask you "what did you get for Christmas?", it never fails. I usually hate this question. When I was little the question sounded more like, "what did Santa bring you?". Well, I didn't believe in Santa so he brought me nothing. Asking and answering this question brings jealousy for me as I hear all the great stuff others got that I missed out on. It makes me want to "elaborate" aka lie about what I got. 

But on this Christmas afternoon I am reminded of the reason I celebrate Christmas. Jesus was born on this day. It is HIS birthday, not mine. It is the day we should be giving Him gifts. Why am I so concerned with what I received when I already have the best gift EVER in Jesus Himself. For Christmas, I got:

a Savior, the chance for life eternal, greater love than I could ever receive, mercy, grace, compassion, a best friend, a Father, a Healer, a Provider, peace, joy, purpose, a place to belong, redemption, deliverance, forgiveness, a second chance, and all that Jesus is.

Thank you God for sending your son to a manager to be the Savior of the World. Thank you for showing me what Christmas is really about. Thank you for loving me even though I am so unworthy. I love you!

Christmas worship.

Sunday morning in Sunday School we studied Luke 2, the Christmas story.
I have heard and read this story more times than I can count but this time God showed me something new and different. Something about worship.

Luke 2:17 - After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said about this child.

We can learn so much from these shepherds. When they heard about Jesus they went and told everyone. So many times we hear things about Jesus but we keep them to ourselves. I am so guilty of this. God will show me something awesome about Himself and instead of going and telling everyone I will keep it to myself or just tell one or two people. That is not enough. I need to be telling everyone about my Jesus.

Luke 2:18 - All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished

Astonished means surprised or greatly impressed. When is the last time you were greatly impressed by the story of Jesus. Even on Sunday as we read the Christmas story I kind of blew it off because I'd heard the story so many times. Why am I not blown away by who my Jesus is? by His story? by His life? by His love? Sometimes I am but those times seem far and few between. I want to be surprised and greatly impressed by Christ every day.

 Luke 2:19- but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.

I love memories and journaling and I feel like Mary did too. She treasured and pondered. I do not spend enough time doing this. I do it when it is convenient, when I have extra time. But sometimes I get busy and get lazy and don't treasure or ponder at all. My hope is that I will be more mindful of all that Jesus is doing in, through, and around me. When I see these things I want to treasure them and to dwell on them. Keeping what Jesus does close to our heart and thinking on it all must be pretty important since it made it into the Christmas story and Jesus' own mother took the time to do it. If Mary, the girl who got pregnant by the Holy Spirit, the woman who had just had a baby, who had taxes to pay with her fiance, who had a million other things to think about and take care of, took the time to ponder and treasure, I think I have enough time to do the same.

Luke 2:20 - The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen.

How often do we leave a time of worship, a camp, a retreat, a church service, a campus ministry, glorifying and praising God for all He has just done? Maybe we talk about it in the parking lot or we discuss it over lunch or dinner. Maybe we talk about it for a week to the people that were with us for the event but we never tell anyone else. I can't remember how many times this has been true for me. The shepherds went back to where they came from glorifying and praising. So as we go back to our homes, our jobs, our schools, wherever it is we come from, let's glorify and praise the Father for what we have seen and heard.

Thank you God for sending Jesus. Thank you for shepherds and Mary. Thank you for teaching me new things about a familiar story. Thank you for Christmas! 

 

 

goodbye.

5 years ago I was doing this...

 That is a really blurry picture but it is the only group shot I have. December 16, 2005 was my last day in Crossett. It was hard. I cried a lot. and then I cried some more. I was leaving my home. The place I had fallen in love with in just four short years. Some of my favorite memories and favorite people are from that place. They threw me a surprise going away party on my last night there. I could not have asked for a better way to say goodbye. I have a scrapbook from that night where my friends wrote letters to me. I will always cherish that.

I looked at my journal entry from that day, I was devastated about having to say goodbye, and I asked this question, "Where's the good in that anyway?". It took a long time for me to see that answer. But five years later as I remember that day and that goodbye. I can see all of the new hellos it brought me to. If I had not had to say that goodbye I would not have the friendships and experiences I have today. 

Saying goodbye never has been, and never will be easy for me but I hope that I can remember that after goodbye new hellos come. Hellos that may change my life. 

I still miss Crossett. I think I always will. It felt the most like home to me. But today I am thankful that God made me say goodbye. I can see the purpose He had in it and I can see the blessings it brought. I am so grateful for the four years I got to spend there and I am grateful that five years later I can return and see those same friends and act as if I never left. 

 Meet my friends Brooke and Brea. They planned that party. In a few weeks I will be reunited with them. No surprises will happen. But memories will be made, laughter will explode, and they will love me in a way that only they can. It's been five years, and I still cannot replace these precious friends. They mean more to me than they will ever know. Goodbye made me realize just how much I needed them and just how much they mean to me. I love you girls!

Romans 8:28 - He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Linda

Let me preface this post by saying that just last night I prayed for God to provide godly women to mentor and disciple me in my walk with Him.

2 Ladies. 2 towns. 2 seasons. 2 churches. 1 name. 1 purpose.

Today I got a phone call from this sweet lady: Linda McDougald

 Ten years ago this lady was praying for a pastor. My dad just so happened to be one. Moving to Crossett was a long process. One day we were moving and the next we weren't. It was confusing for my ten year old heart. Mrs. Linda prayed in her recliner for God to send the right man to First Baptist Church and God laid my dad on her heart. She obeyed and a few months later we were living in Crossett. I now hated, well maybe hate is too strong a word, but I strongly disliked this lady. She had prayed me out of a very comfortable place. I loved living in Benton. I had a great church. An awesome home school group. A fun bible study. the best gymnastics class and teachers. a great Upward Basketball team. and a life I LOVED. why on earth would this woman I didn't even know pray and make me leave all that? Little did I know she had prayed me into my new favorite place. a place I would miss so very much when I had to leave it four years later. 

Shortly after moving to Crossett Mrs. Linda wrote me a letter and she said that she believed God brought me to Crossett for a purpose. I wasn't just there because my dad was the pastor. We didn't just move because of his job. Sure that was part of it, but God wanted me there just as much as he wanted my dad. Now, no one had ever told me anything like this. I had always been Larry White's daughter, the pastor's kid. I was always there because of him not because I had my own purpose. I remember writing a card back and telling her about my dislike for her prayers. I told her I really didn't want to be there but I would like to see God's purpose. She told me she believed that I was there to love on the girls my age and be a good example for them. I hope I fulfilled that purpose. 

During the four years I lived there Mrs. Linda sent me cards and called to pray with me before school. She took me to visit lost kids or youth that had not been at church in awhile. She challenged me to live a life set apart. She prayed for me a lot. She continually encouraged me. She believed in me. She supported me. She LOVED me. and I learned to LOVE her. When I was in seventh grade she taught my Sunday School class. In eighth grade, our church was without a youth minister and so Mrs. Linda, a working woman at the age of 50, stepped up. Every Wednesday she brought the Gospel and every Wednesday youth flooded the altar with hearts crying out to the Savior. She lived what she taught us.  

When we moved I was in ninth grade. It was the hardest move ever. I hated it. She reminded me that God had completed His purpose for me in Crossett and that the journey and purpose would continue in Cabot. She prayed for me. Send me cards of encouragement (my love language). She reminded me that I was not forgotten. When I was in 11th grade my church went on choir tour over Spring Break. We were shopping at a mall in Alabama and my phone rang, I answered it to hear the sweet familiar voice of Mrs. Linda. She just called to check on me. Last spring during finals week, I was stressed and cramming for a test one morning. My phone rang and it was Mrs. Linda calling to pray with me and lift me up. She always shows up at the perfect time even if I didn't think it was so perfect at first.

Today she called me to get my family's address so she could send us a Christmas card. She asked how school was and if I was still dating the same guy. She taught us to only date people we would marry. I am forever grateful for that lesson. She reminded me of my purpose and that God has an awesome plan. She encouraged me. She loved me. This year has been rough for me. I have struggled  a lot with the lie that I am forgettable and forgotten. It is the way Satan gets to me most and best. Even today I was thinking that. God used Mrs. Linda once again to remind me that I am not forgotten but that I am remembered, loved, thought of often, and prayed for more than I know. I started crying after we hung up. I was so overwhelmed with love and with grace.



Then I started thinking of another Linda in my life, Linda Parks

The summer after my senior year of high school my family moved from Cabot to Conway. My dad had gotten a job as the associational missionary for Faulkner County. He was no longer pastor of a church. For the first time we had to go look for a church. We had always just gone wherever he pastored. We visited several places in Conway but none of them seemed to be the perfect fit. At the end of summer I helped with a lock-in at Crosspoint and we started visiting there. Crosspoint is in Greenbrier, about twenty minutes from our house in Conway. But it fit and it is where we have been going to church for the past year. I love it. It is exactly where God wants me in this season and I am thankful. 

When we first started going there I didn't feel like I fit in the college and career class. It was mostly career aged people and all guys; all two of them. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I was 18 and a girl and in college. I didn't have much in common with them. So I went to the youth Sunday School class for the first few months. My friend Emily started coming so we decided to grow up and face the college and career class together.


Linda Parks, and her husband teach this class. They are in their late 60s/early 70s and they are precious. Every morning they get up and pray together. You know who they pray for? Me. every day. I am so grateful for them. Mrs. Linda welcomed me when I didn't feel like I fit. Every time I walk in the class she greets me with a smile and genuinely wants to know how my week has been. She doesn't just accept "fine" or "good". This woman wants honesty because she wants to pray specifically. She is a firm believer in the power of prayer. Every week she asks for prayer requests and every week she goes to God on our behalf. She cares. On Wednesdays she helps cook dinner for our church and then she serves it with a smile and a laugh. She is full of joy even on dark days. This fall she lost her step father to an illness. Even in that time she was pouring into others and loving with all she had. She opens her home to a bunch of 20-somethings. She cooks delicious food for us and lets us stay late so she can beat us at dominoes. She has a heart for people our age because she wasn't where she needed to be with Christ at our age and doesn't want us making the same mistakes. She is honest about her life and quick to tell us of God's faithfulness in every season. She loves K-Love and always shares songs to challenge our heart. She has a huge heart for the Gospel and desires to do something about sharing it. She challenges us and she practices what she preaches. I so look up to her. I am so grateful for her influence in my life. 

plain.

Today I was struggling with singleness. "What's wrong with me?" "Will I ever be enough?" "Is this going to last forever?" all these thoughts went through my head. I prayed for truth to be revealed and as always God came through. 

When I was ten I absolutely loved listening to ZoeGirl. Today I drove my sister's car and she had an old ZoeGirl cd in the cd holder. I popped it in and heard the familiar songs that I used to sing and dance to. Then the song Plain came on. Just as it ministered to my heart almost ten years ago, it was exactly what I needed today. 

Thank you Jesus for music. Thank you for revealing truth to me. Thank you for reminding me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in YOUR image. 

Plain - ZoeGirl

He made you feel plain
When he forgot your name
Let me tell you something
I have felt the same

I know you're in pain
But be another boy along the way
And God he made you beautiful and
There's nothin' about you that's plain

You are jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind
And you shine just as bright
As the stars in the sky

You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right
So keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothing about you that's plain
No no no

You tell me, you're not the type
The kind of girl that they like
And your a little insecure about
How you look in their eyes

Well fashion will change
And trends come and go everyday
But God only made one of you and
There's nothin' about you that's plain

'Cause you are a jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind and
You shine just as bright as
The stars in the sky

You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right
So keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothin' about you that's plain
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/z/zOEgirl-lyrics/plain-lyrics.html ]

See your mind, it is precious
Though your heart may be restless
And your eyes they will see
All that you're meant to be

'Cause your spirit is strong
And your soul carries on
You'll keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothin' about you that's plain

You know I've had my days
When I feel out of place, yeah
I look at who I am, cover what I can
I wish it all would change but

Take the makeup away
You see the same girl still remains
She may not feel that beautiful
But there's nothin' about her that's plain

And you are jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind
And you shine just as bright
As the stars in the sky

You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right so keep
Your head up no matter the pain
Keep your head up no matter the pain, ooh yeah
Keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothin' about you that's plain

You may have felt plain but
God, he knows your name
Let me tell you something
There's nothin' about you that's plain

 

at just the right time.

it's been said that "time heals all wounds"...I think there is some truth to that and I believe some wounds take longer to heal than others. I know that Jesus is the ultimate Healer. I know His timing is perfect but I also know His timing is much different than my own. To be honest, some days I am really not o.k. with that. I want life to be going my way now. But God keeps me waiting once again. 
Yesterday in church, Bro. Danny talked about how Jesus came to this Earth at the perfect time. I'd never thought about this before. Jesus has always existed, He could have come down from heaven whenever He wanted to but He waited until that Christmas night to come. I don't know why He waited or why He came when He did but I believe it was the perfect time. If God has perfect timing in sending the Savior to the world, how much more will His timing be perfect in the little things in my life?
Today, the sweet girl who prayed with me when I began my relationship with Christ sent me a message of encouragement at the perfect time. She included this Scripture:

Romans 5:1-6

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

Tonight I am thankful for God's perfect timing even when I can't see what is next or when I don't feel like what is happening right now is anywhere close to perfect timing. I know no matter the time Christ is there and He is in control. I'm learning to rest in that.
 

may I never forget.

Psalm 103:2-5

 Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget all the good things He does for me. He forgives ALL my sins and heals all my diseases.He redeems me from DEATH and crowns me with love & tender mercies. He fills my life with good things.