stuck & needy

love this song!

let that be enough

I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could now
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Let us run...

Hebrews 12:1 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

I have never been a runner. Ever. In my entire life. I don't think I will ever be one. It's just not for me. But according to this verse I need to be running. Not halfheartedly. Not walking. Not jogging. But RUNNING with endurance. God has a race set up for me. It's long and may be way more difficult than I want. But I will never finish this race if I'm just walking. I will only get part of the work done, what God has for me won't be complete if I do not run with all that I have.

Before I can become an enduring runner I have to "strip off every weight that slows me down". Some of the weight comes from sin. Many times sin is very obvious but I other times I make myself blind to my sins. Either by ignoring conviction or comparing myself to other people and their "bigger" sins. But all sin is sin and it breaks the heart of God. Sin comes in so many forms and Satan knows how to tempt us with it. He studies our weaknesses and attacks us at our most vulnerable moments. He makes sin so appealing and without God's help and strength we so often fall into it. This verse says that it easily trips us up. It is not difficult for sin to enter our lives but it can be very difficult to get rid of it. We were born with a sinful nature so sin is what we fall in to. But we aren't without hope. God always provides a way out when we are tempted. It's not always a huge neon sign with flashing lights that says "EXIT temptation here" so we have to be alert and looking for the way out. But it is there every single time. I'm thankful for that and want to look for it way more often than I do now.

Sin isn't the only thing that slows us down, though. Sometimes good things hold us back from finishing the race. Maybe they take up too much of our time. Maybe they distract us. Maybe they hold us back from better things. Whatever it is, it holds us back and slows us down. It keeps us farther away from the finish line.

I don't know all the details of my race but I know I'm ready to start running with endurance. I have things that need to be stripped off and completely let go of. I'm tired of being slow. I'm tired of not giving my best.

Today I am a runner.

what did you get?

Every year after Christmas someone will ask you "what did you get for Christmas?", it never fails. I usually hate this question. When I was little the question sounded more like, "what did Santa bring you?". Well, I didn't believe in Santa so he brought me nothing. Asking and answering this question brings jealousy for me as I hear all the great stuff others got that I missed out on. It makes me want to "elaborate" aka lie about what I got. 

But on this Christmas afternoon I am reminded of the reason I celebrate Christmas. Jesus was born on this day. It is HIS birthday, not mine. It is the day we should be giving Him gifts. Why am I so concerned with what I received when I already have the best gift EVER in Jesus Himself. For Christmas, I got:

a Savior, the chance for life eternal, greater love than I could ever receive, mercy, grace, compassion, a best friend, a Father, a Healer, a Provider, peace, joy, purpose, a place to belong, redemption, deliverance, forgiveness, a second chance, and all that Jesus is.

Thank you God for sending your son to a manager to be the Savior of the World. Thank you for showing me what Christmas is really about. Thank you for loving me even though I am so unworthy. I love you!

Christmas worship.

Sunday morning in Sunday School we studied Luke 2, the Christmas story.
I have heard and read this story more times than I can count but this time God showed me something new and different. Something about worship.

Luke 2:17 - After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said about this child.

We can learn so much from these shepherds. When they heard about Jesus they went and told everyone. So many times we hear things about Jesus but we keep them to ourselves. I am so guilty of this. God will show me something awesome about Himself and instead of going and telling everyone I will keep it to myself or just tell one or two people. That is not enough. I need to be telling everyone about my Jesus.

Luke 2:18 - All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished

Astonished means surprised or greatly impressed. When is the last time you were greatly impressed by the story of Jesus. Even on Sunday as we read the Christmas story I kind of blew it off because I'd heard the story so many times. Why am I not blown away by who my Jesus is? by His story? by His life? by His love? Sometimes I am but those times seem far and few between. I want to be surprised and greatly impressed by Christ every day.

 Luke 2:19- but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.

I love memories and journaling and I feel like Mary did too. She treasured and pondered. I do not spend enough time doing this. I do it when it is convenient, when I have extra time. But sometimes I get busy and get lazy and don't treasure or ponder at all. My hope is that I will be more mindful of all that Jesus is doing in, through, and around me. When I see these things I want to treasure them and to dwell on them. Keeping what Jesus does close to our heart and thinking on it all must be pretty important since it made it into the Christmas story and Jesus' own mother took the time to do it. If Mary, the girl who got pregnant by the Holy Spirit, the woman who had just had a baby, who had taxes to pay with her fiance, who had a million other things to think about and take care of, took the time to ponder and treasure, I think I have enough time to do the same.

Luke 2:20 - The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen.

How often do we leave a time of worship, a camp, a retreat, a church service, a campus ministry, glorifying and praising God for all He has just done? Maybe we talk about it in the parking lot or we discuss it over lunch or dinner. Maybe we talk about it for a week to the people that were with us for the event but we never tell anyone else. I can't remember how many times this has been true for me. The shepherds went back to where they came from glorifying and praising. So as we go back to our homes, our jobs, our schools, wherever it is we come from, let's glorify and praise the Father for what we have seen and heard.

Thank you God for sending Jesus. Thank you for shepherds and Mary. Thank you for teaching me new things about a familiar story. Thank you for Christmas! 

 

 

goodbye.

5 years ago I was doing this...

 That is a really blurry picture but it is the only group shot I have. December 16, 2005 was my last day in Crossett. It was hard. I cried a lot. and then I cried some more. I was leaving my home. The place I had fallen in love with in just four short years. Some of my favorite memories and favorite people are from that place. They threw me a surprise going away party on my last night there. I could not have asked for a better way to say goodbye. I have a scrapbook from that night where my friends wrote letters to me. I will always cherish that.

I looked at my journal entry from that day, I was devastated about having to say goodbye, and I asked this question, "Where's the good in that anyway?". It took a long time for me to see that answer. But five years later as I remember that day and that goodbye. I can see all of the new hellos it brought me to. If I had not had to say that goodbye I would not have the friendships and experiences I have today. 

Saying goodbye never has been, and never will be easy for me but I hope that I can remember that after goodbye new hellos come. Hellos that may change my life. 

I still miss Crossett. I think I always will. It felt the most like home to me. But today I am thankful that God made me say goodbye. I can see the purpose He had in it and I can see the blessings it brought. I am so grateful for the four years I got to spend there and I am grateful that five years later I can return and see those same friends and act as if I never left. 

 Meet my friends Brooke and Brea. They planned that party. In a few weeks I will be reunited with them. No surprises will happen. But memories will be made, laughter will explode, and they will love me in a way that only they can. It's been five years, and I still cannot replace these precious friends. They mean more to me than they will ever know. Goodbye made me realize just how much I needed them and just how much they mean to me. I love you girls!

Romans 8:28 - He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Linda

Let me preface this post by saying that just last night I prayed for God to provide godly women to mentor and disciple me in my walk with Him.

2 Ladies. 2 towns. 2 seasons. 2 churches. 1 name. 1 purpose.

Today I got a phone call from this sweet lady: Linda McDougald

 Ten years ago this lady was praying for a pastor. My dad just so happened to be one. Moving to Crossett was a long process. One day we were moving and the next we weren't. It was confusing for my ten year old heart. Mrs. Linda prayed in her recliner for God to send the right man to First Baptist Church and God laid my dad on her heart. She obeyed and a few months later we were living in Crossett. I now hated, well maybe hate is too strong a word, but I strongly disliked this lady. She had prayed me out of a very comfortable place. I loved living in Benton. I had a great church. An awesome home school group. A fun bible study. the best gymnastics class and teachers. a great Upward Basketball team. and a life I LOVED. why on earth would this woman I didn't even know pray and make me leave all that? Little did I know she had prayed me into my new favorite place. a place I would miss so very much when I had to leave it four years later. 

Shortly after moving to Crossett Mrs. Linda wrote me a letter and she said that she believed God brought me to Crossett for a purpose. I wasn't just there because my dad was the pastor. We didn't just move because of his job. Sure that was part of it, but God wanted me there just as much as he wanted my dad. Now, no one had ever told me anything like this. I had always been Larry White's daughter, the pastor's kid. I was always there because of him not because I had my own purpose. I remember writing a card back and telling her about my dislike for her prayers. I told her I really didn't want to be there but I would like to see God's purpose. She told me she believed that I was there to love on the girls my age and be a good example for them. I hope I fulfilled that purpose. 

During the four years I lived there Mrs. Linda sent me cards and called to pray with me before school. She took me to visit lost kids or youth that had not been at church in awhile. She challenged me to live a life set apart. She prayed for me a lot. She continually encouraged me. She believed in me. She supported me. She LOVED me. and I learned to LOVE her. When I was in seventh grade she taught my Sunday School class. In eighth grade, our church was without a youth minister and so Mrs. Linda, a working woman at the age of 50, stepped up. Every Wednesday she brought the Gospel and every Wednesday youth flooded the altar with hearts crying out to the Savior. She lived what she taught us.  

When we moved I was in ninth grade. It was the hardest move ever. I hated it. She reminded me that God had completed His purpose for me in Crossett and that the journey and purpose would continue in Cabot. She prayed for me. Send me cards of encouragement (my love language). She reminded me that I was not forgotten. When I was in 11th grade my church went on choir tour over Spring Break. We were shopping at a mall in Alabama and my phone rang, I answered it to hear the sweet familiar voice of Mrs. Linda. She just called to check on me. Last spring during finals week, I was stressed and cramming for a test one morning. My phone rang and it was Mrs. Linda calling to pray with me and lift me up. She always shows up at the perfect time even if I didn't think it was so perfect at first.

Today she called me to get my family's address so she could send us a Christmas card. She asked how school was and if I was still dating the same guy. She taught us to only date people we would marry. I am forever grateful for that lesson. She reminded me of my purpose and that God has an awesome plan. She encouraged me. She loved me. This year has been rough for me. I have struggled  a lot with the lie that I am forgettable and forgotten. It is the way Satan gets to me most and best. Even today I was thinking that. God used Mrs. Linda once again to remind me that I am not forgotten but that I am remembered, loved, thought of often, and prayed for more than I know. I started crying after we hung up. I was so overwhelmed with love and with grace.



Then I started thinking of another Linda in my life, Linda Parks

The summer after my senior year of high school my family moved from Cabot to Conway. My dad had gotten a job as the associational missionary for Faulkner County. He was no longer pastor of a church. For the first time we had to go look for a church. We had always just gone wherever he pastored. We visited several places in Conway but none of them seemed to be the perfect fit. At the end of summer I helped with a lock-in at Crosspoint and we started visiting there. Crosspoint is in Greenbrier, about twenty minutes from our house in Conway. But it fit and it is where we have been going to church for the past year. I love it. It is exactly where God wants me in this season and I am thankful. 

When we first started going there I didn't feel like I fit in the college and career class. It was mostly career aged people and all guys; all two of them. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I was 18 and a girl and in college. I didn't have much in common with them. So I went to the youth Sunday School class for the first few months. My friend Emily started coming so we decided to grow up and face the college and career class together.


Linda Parks, and her husband teach this class. They are in their late 60s/early 70s and they are precious. Every morning they get up and pray together. You know who they pray for? Me. every day. I am so grateful for them. Mrs. Linda welcomed me when I didn't feel like I fit. Every time I walk in the class she greets me with a smile and genuinely wants to know how my week has been. She doesn't just accept "fine" or "good". This woman wants honesty because she wants to pray specifically. She is a firm believer in the power of prayer. Every week she asks for prayer requests and every week she goes to God on our behalf. She cares. On Wednesdays she helps cook dinner for our church and then she serves it with a smile and a laugh. She is full of joy even on dark days. This fall she lost her step father to an illness. Even in that time she was pouring into others and loving with all she had. She opens her home to a bunch of 20-somethings. She cooks delicious food for us and lets us stay late so she can beat us at dominoes. She has a heart for people our age because she wasn't where she needed to be with Christ at our age and doesn't want us making the same mistakes. She is honest about her life and quick to tell us of God's faithfulness in every season. She loves K-Love and always shares songs to challenge our heart. She has a huge heart for the Gospel and desires to do something about sharing it. She challenges us and she practices what she preaches. I so look up to her. I am so grateful for her influence in my life. 

plain.

Today I was struggling with singleness. "What's wrong with me?" "Will I ever be enough?" "Is this going to last forever?" all these thoughts went through my head. I prayed for truth to be revealed and as always God came through. 

When I was ten I absolutely loved listening to ZoeGirl. Today I drove my sister's car and she had an old ZoeGirl cd in the cd holder. I popped it in and heard the familiar songs that I used to sing and dance to. Then the song Plain came on. Just as it ministered to my heart almost ten years ago, it was exactly what I needed today. 

Thank you Jesus for music. Thank you for revealing truth to me. Thank you for reminding me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in YOUR image. 

Plain - ZoeGirl

He made you feel plain
When he forgot your name
Let me tell you something
I have felt the same

I know you're in pain
But be another boy along the way
And God he made you beautiful and
There's nothin' about you that's plain

You are jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind
And you shine just as bright
As the stars in the sky

You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right
So keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothing about you that's plain
No no no

You tell me, you're not the type
The kind of girl that they like
And your a little insecure about
How you look in their eyes

Well fashion will change
And trends come and go everyday
But God only made one of you and
There's nothin' about you that's plain

'Cause you are a jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind and
You shine just as bright as
The stars in the sky

You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right
So keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothin' about you that's plain
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/z/zOEgirl-lyrics/plain-lyrics.html ]

See your mind, it is precious
Though your heart may be restless
And your eyes they will see
All that you're meant to be

'Cause your spirit is strong
And your soul carries on
You'll keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothin' about you that's plain

You know I've had my days
When I feel out of place, yeah
I look at who I am, cover what I can
I wish it all would change but

Take the makeup away
You see the same girl still remains
She may not feel that beautiful
But there's nothin' about her that's plain

And you are jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind
And you shine just as bright
As the stars in the sky

You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right so keep
Your head up no matter the pain
Keep your head up no matter the pain, ooh yeah
Keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothin' about you that's plain

You may have felt plain but
God, he knows your name
Let me tell you something
There's nothin' about you that's plain

 

at just the right time.

it's been said that "time heals all wounds"...I think there is some truth to that and I believe some wounds take longer to heal than others. I know that Jesus is the ultimate Healer. I know His timing is perfect but I also know His timing is much different than my own. To be honest, some days I am really not o.k. with that. I want life to be going my way now. But God keeps me waiting once again. 
Yesterday in church, Bro. Danny talked about how Jesus came to this Earth at the perfect time. I'd never thought about this before. Jesus has always existed, He could have come down from heaven whenever He wanted to but He waited until that Christmas night to come. I don't know why He waited or why He came when He did but I believe it was the perfect time. If God has perfect timing in sending the Savior to the world, how much more will His timing be perfect in the little things in my life?
Today, the sweet girl who prayed with me when I began my relationship with Christ sent me a message of encouragement at the perfect time. She included this Scripture:

Romans 5:1-6

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

Tonight I am thankful for God's perfect timing even when I can't see what is next or when I don't feel like what is happening right now is anywhere close to perfect timing. I know no matter the time Christ is there and He is in control. I'm learning to rest in that.
 

may I never forget.

Psalm 103:2-5

 Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget all the good things He does for me. He forgives ALL my sins and heals all my diseases.He redeems me from DEATH and crowns me with love & tender mercies. He fills my life with good things.

Matthew 7:7

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."

I have asked, I have sought, and I have knocked on the door for opportunities to share Jesus. But sometimes I forget to keep doing these things. I figure God heard me the first time and He will send opportunities when He's ready but He wants us to KEEP asking, seeking, knocking. So that is what I am going to do. 

Just today I began to put this verse into practice. I prayed multiple times for God to provide opportunities to share His love and multiple times He provided. I had opportunities to provide a smile, hold open a door, pray for the people I passed on my way to class, encourage a friend, share the Gospel with old classmates, share Scripture with a girl who is seeking, help feed a person who is hungry. I am not saying any of this to brag. Every day of my life should look like this but honestly these days are few and far between. I don't ask, I don't seek, and I don't knock nearly as often as I should.

In the last couple days God has been reminding me that His purpose for my life is so simple. He made me to know Him and to make Him known. Why do I have to make that so complicated? 

Asking, Seeking, and Knocking. Trusting that He will answer, reveal, and open. 

human.

I read a blog on Thanksgiving from To Write Love on Her Arms: http://www.twloha.com/blog/
I really enjoyed it and would suggest that you read it. One of the points it made that I loved was that we all deserve the space to be human. Most of the time I want to see completely put together. I want everyone to believe that all is right with my world. Things could be so much worse and I have so much that I feel my problems are insignificant and should not be brought up. but since I am human this means I will NOT have it all together. there will be days when everything falls apart and it's alright to be real and honest on those days. it's ok to show people the broken pieces in my life. All of the broken, messed up pieces make up a beautiful story. Without them, I would not be complete. So if we are all human that must mean that others are going through rough times too, times when they may seem to have it all together on the outside but on the inside it's all crumbling down. We need to be sensitive and compassionate to the needs of others. I am so bad about getting caught up in my own worries and fears and issues that I sometimes forget to care about what's going on in other people's lives. This is something I am praying will change. I'm tired of being selfish and believing that I am the only one who suffers. There are people all around me everyday - friends, family, strangers - that are experiencing dark times and I have the light of the world living inside me that I need to show them. So instead of sitting around having a pity party, building up walls and trying to be strong, I am ready to be honest about where I am, to be thankful for where I've been realizing that it was all a part of God's purpose, to break down the walls that I have been building up for far to long, and to try to climb over the walls other people are building, to show the compassion and care that Jesus did. I know it will be a long process but you've got to start somewhere so why not here.

thankful.

"Be thankful...but be careful that you don't become so enamored of God's good gifts that you fail to worship the giver." AW Tozer

I love that quote! Thanksgiving is a great holiday to sit back and enjoy food and family and all our blessings. We should be thankful more than just once a year. I am going to make a thankful list and I'll probably even share it on the blog. But I don't want to be so wrapped up in all the gifts that I forget about the One who so graciously gave. 

I am THANKFUL for...

• For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16

• God's way is perfect. All the LORD's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. - 2 Samuel 22:31
• Family - Mom & Dad, Hannah & Hope, grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, extended family
• Friends - Colossians 1:3- "I thank my God every time I remember you." From Fort Worth to Owensville to Benton to Crossett to Cabot to Conway and everywhere in between. I am thankful for the difference you made in my life.
• Love - the ability to Love God & Love People.
• My Bible
• journals - my way of seeing how far God has brought me
• Education 
• Church Camp
• A house
• Hot showers
• A comfy bed
• Technology
• Music
• Use of all my senses - the ability to see, hear, taste, smell, and touch...I daily take these things for granted
• Little children
• teenagers
• my car
• make-up
• hair straightners
• too many clothes and shoes
• my health
• my swimming pool
• memories
• Peace -John 14:27
• Church - Owensville Baptist Church, Trinity Baptist Church, First Baptist Church Crossett, Mount Carmel Baptist Church, and Crosspoint Baptist Church
• that I don't have to worry -Philippians 4:6
• Freedom
• Abundant Life -John 10:10
• food
• books and blogs
• Wisdom - James 1:5
• my sweet Sunday School teachers I've had through the years
• teachers
• online sermons
• laughter
• joy
• nature
• sunsets
• fellowship
• pictures
• opportunites
• God's perfect plan for me - Jeremiah 29:11
• My summer job
• having everything I need 
• struggles that God uses to draw me closer to Him
• grace & mercy
• forgiveness
• second chances
• getting mail
• family game nights
• baking
• dancing
• most of all for God who provides all these blessings!!!! - James 1:17

there are so many more things I could be and am thankful for but I think this list is long enough for today. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

she prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

last week I was feeling sorry for myself and lonely so I started praying for God to provide friendship for me. but then I realized that was kind of selfish. so I also prayed that God would show me people to love on and to be a friend to. I prayed to be needed.

He answered my prayer in the past few days with three different friends. I was needed. But I did not feel good enough. Yes, I could give them my time, my listening ears, prayers, and even food but I couldn't fix their problem.

I was feeling guilty about this today and God reminded me of this verse:

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

His grace is sufficient and it is Christ working through me to help these friends. He is the ultimate fixer-upper. So while I can't fix their problems and make their world perfect, I serve a God who can. 

ZOEgirl - Scream

Psalm 40

I waited and waited and waited for the Lord. At last He looked. Finally He listened.

Six years ago I was preparing to leave my home. The place I loved. The people that I was growing up with. The church were I felt loved and welcomed. The school where I fit in, where I knew who I was. The friends that changed my life forever. During that transition I read Psalm 40 and found this verse. I knew the days ahead would be difficult but I didn't really know how difficult they would be. Leaving Crossett was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but it was something I had no control over. Most days I felt like Cabot was the worst place on Earth. I just wanted to go "home". I wanted my identity back. 

It took a long time, a lot of tears, a lot of reliving memories, a lot of prayer, a lot of sadness and depression to get through. I waited for what felt like forever but at last God looked and listened and provided. Cabot brought new friends, a new home, and new experiences. Without that chapter in my life I wouldn't be who I am today. But six years ago I didn't know that, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I knew was that I had to give up all I knew for something I didn't want. 

I feel like I am back in that spot again. The spot of waiting and waiting and waiting. The place of not knowing what the future holds. I am a planner and want to know what is going to happen tomorrow but God is reminded me that He already has it all planned out. He sees. He listens. And one day He will reveal to me why this season had to happen. It may take 6 years but that's ok because God is Sovereign, He can do whatever He wants. 

Jesus, thank you for being with me as I wait and wait and wait. Thank you for seeing me, for taking time to look my way. Thank you for listening to every cry of my heart, to every last broken piece. Thank you for using the past to teach me about the present. Thank you that the present moments will make me stronger in the future.  

joy will come.

some days I feel hopeless. I feel like the circumstances surrounding me will never go away. that things will never be as good as they once were. on those days I am reminded that joy WILL come. maybe not today, maybe not next week, maybe not even next year, but it WILL come. I'm thankful for that promise today. 
Joy will come video click this link to see the video

Joy will come - Desperation Band

Joy will come in the morning
Riding on the wings of the dawn
I know
Joy will come after mourning
As surely as You are God

Joy will come believe
Joy will come joy will come

Joy will come like the harvest
Reaping for tears that we sow
I know
Joy will run to the farthest place
Surely as You are God

What is this hope I feel
It's helping
What is this peace beyond
Understanding
You fix the broken heart
There's healing in Your wings

What is this whisper small
I'm hearing
So far above it all
It's speaking
You're still the sovereign Lord
There's healing in Your wings 

this is a blessing

For the past three weeks I have missed Girl's Bible Study. Each week there has been a different reason or excuse for not going. Tonight I didn't have one and I knew I needed to go. We are studying the book of Luke so we can learn to walk as Jesus walked. This week we were reading in chapter 6. The main focus of our discussion tonight was on verses 20-21 which say

God blesses you who are poor, for the kingdom of God is yours. God blesses you who are hungry now, for you will be satisfied. God blesses you who weep now, for in due time you will laugh.

The beatitudes are simply Jesus' way of telling us to hold on. As Lynzie said it is hope in a nutshell. We also reflected on James 1:2-4

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

 So let it grow! I love that. I don't know about you, but I want to be perfect and complete. I can't get to that point if I don't endure trials. Why do I so often try to get rid of or hide the bad times in my life? Why don't I see them as blessings? as opportunities for growth? Jesus is teaching me more and more each day and I am so thankful.
Tonight Jordan said, "The more you suffer, the more you're filled." I want to be filled! 


Thank you Jesus for girl's bible study. Thank you for teaching me new things. Help me to always remember that struggles are the most blessed times in my life because they draw me closer and closer to You. Teach me to let it grow! I love you!

 

sunsets of hope

I love sunsets. To me, they are one of God's most beautiful creations. As I was leaving my night class I caught the final few moments of the sunset tonight, it was breath-taking. I literally just stopped for a minute to watch it through the bare trees. Oranges, pinks, and grays...LOVED it! sometimes I think God paints them just for me. they are little glimmers of hope. I rushed to my car to drive into it and watch it set but by the time I started driving it was dark. 

Monday I got a text message from my precious friend Brooke. This summer her Pap passed away. He was an amazing man of God and I had the privilege of praying with him in his last months of life here on earth. That memory will always be precious to me. He sat and prayed for me and his whole family when he was the one that needed prayer the most. He was so selfless and giving. Nanny, Brooke's grandmother, is struggling with being alone. She had Pap by her side for so many years. I pray for her often but this weekend I decided to make her a card. I can't imagine what she is going through and felt like she needed some encouragement. I put the card in the mail on Saturday so she got the card Monday, the same day that she had to go the gravesite because Pap's tombstone was being delivered. I had no idea but God did. He has such perfect timing. I was amazed! It completely made my day =)
Monday night I planned to study for my two tests on Tuesday. That evening I got a text from one friend and a phone call from another. It had been almost a month since I had seen either one of them and I got to see both of them that night. We went to a campus ministry together which is always good but Monday a guest speaker spoke about brokenness. BROKENNESS. another sign of God's perfect timing. I'm in this stage of being broken. I was reminded that God often has to break us to use us. God, I'm ready to be used! I was really stressed on Monday and had several people remind me that they cared and were praying for me. They will never know how much I needed that. After the campus ministry, Barrie, Lindsey, Alyssa, and I went to 3 Flamingos for half priced yogurt. It was a much needed evening, so different that what I planned, but God's plans are always better.  
Today I had a fifteen page paper due, a quiz, and two tests. can we say STRESSED?! but guess what, I survived!! God is good and faithful. I got to celebrate Emily's last night of being a teenager with her tonight and enjoyed Chinese food with my family. Great end to a not so great day. I also bought Dave Barne's Christmas album and am starting to get in the Christmas spirit =) 

Sunsets are beautiful but they don't last long. The past few days in my life have had some beautiful moments, much more beautiful than the days before. But tonight I was reflecting on these recent blessings and I began to wonder if they would be like the sunset I saw tonight. Will they fade as quickly as they come? Maybe. And tonight I am ok with that because I got my glimmers of hope in a dark season. God provided those special moments to remind me of His love and His goodness. If I have to wait awhile before the next ones come that's ok because I know God is faithful and He will paint me another beautiful sunset.

He understands.

one thing I'm learning more and more about God is that He understands me. He understands my heart and brokenness even when I don't understand myself. this weekend He reminded me that He knows what's going on with me and He cares. this post will probably seem scattered but these are the things God has revealed to me this weekend.

"sometimes God does not give you what you think you need from other people because He wants you to get it from Him." - Christine Caine

I love the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North. "why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" I feel like that's what God is asking me. Why am I seeking for fulfillment and life in everything else? I have Jesus and He IS enough.

Matthew 6:33-34 (MSG) "Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." I love every bit of this scripture. God has it all taken care of. 

MercyMe has a song out right now called Beautiful. If you haven't heard it you should definitely take time to listen to it. Part of the lyrics say this "You are more than what's hurting you tonight. You are treasured. You are sacred. You are His." I want to soak up this truth and live in it.

I've been sick this weekend so I listened to some online campuses and sermons today since I missed being at my own church. It's crazy to me how God brought me to certain blogs and people to follow on twitter which led me to these churches and the sermons I heard tonight. It's something only God could do. What I thought was random, He had a purpose for.

Crosspoint Church in Tennessee is one of the churches I listened to. They are doing a series right now called This is our God. The two sermons I heard were about God's faithfulness and His goodness. Here are my notes from those sermons...

God is faithful!
 Lamentations 3
I am the man who has seen affliction
   by the rod of the LORD’s wrath.
² He has driven me away and made me walk
   in darkness rather than light;
³ indeed, he has turned his hand against me
   again and again, all day long.

 ⁴ He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
   and has broken my bones.
⁵ He has besieged me and surrounded me
   with bitterness and hardship.
⁶ He has made me dwell in darkness
   like those long dead.

 ⁷ He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
   he has weighed me down with chains.
⁸ Even when I call out or cry for help,
   he shuts out my prayer.
⁹ He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
   he has made my paths crooked.

 ¹⁰ Like a bear lying in wait,
   like a lion in hiding,
¹¹ he dragged me from the path and mangled me
   and left me without help.
¹² He drew his bow
   and made me the target for his arrows.

 ¹³ He pierced my heart
   with arrows from his quiver.
¹⁴ I became the laughingstock of all my people;
   they mock me in song all day long.
¹⁵ He has filled me with bitter herbs
   and given me gall to drink.

 ¹⁶ He has broken my teeth with gravel;
   he has trampled me in the dust.
¹⁷ I have been deprived of peace;
   I have forgotten what prosperity is.
¹⁸ So I say, “My splendor is gone
   and all that I had hoped from the LORD.”

 ¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,
   the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
   and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope:

 ²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.” 

faithfulness- steadfast in affection or allegiance.

no one will be faithful all the time.

God is faithful and will not let you down.

because God is faithful...

You can trust that your past is your past.

1 John 1:9 - But if we confess our sins to Him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

Trust Him with your present trouble. 

Put your trust in His identity (who He is - unchanging) instead of in His activity (your circumstances) **this was EXACTLY what I needed to hear tonight. I have been trusting in His activity for way too long.

God is most powerfully present when He is most apparently absent.

Matthew 11:28-29 - Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Trust in Him with your future plans.

Lamentations 3:24

The Lord is everything I need so I'm going to wait on Him.

Each day we can trust God or ourselves/everything around us.

Every other basis of hope besides God will let us down.

What would I do if I was absolutely confident that God is with me? 

God is good!

Exodus 33

For every misconception you have about God there will be a corresponding consequence. God in His goodness, gives to others in a way that is not limited by what the recipients deserve but constantly going beyond it. 

In response to God's goodness we should be grateful. 

All of life is a gift, we don't deserve any of it.

In response to His goodness, we should trust Him.

Thank you Jesus for internet sermons and for understanding me all the time. Thank you for being faithful and good. Let me put my hope in your identity instead of your activity. I love you!

keep singing.

a few years ago my family moved to Cabot. i hated it. i wanted to go back "home" so badly. but God is good and He kept me singing. i feel like i'm back to that point again and i've gotta keep singing... 

Keep Singing- MercyMe

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

Rams.

Tonight in youth group we will be talking about thankfulness. Our scripture is Genesis 22, the story of Abraham and Issac. I've heard this story all my life. Its a beautiful picture of obedience, faith, trust, and testing. I'm amazed at the sacrifice Abraham was willing to make because of his fear of the Lord. These are all awesome lessons but today in relation to thankfulness God showed me something different. 
I often see God as provider, which He always is. I'm more quick to be thankful for the rams in my life. For the things God provides, for the times of deliverance, and rescue, and the times when I get what I want or what I think I deserve. 
But in this season of life I feel like God is not providing the rams. Rams of less stress, easy school work, best friends, a potential husband, motivation to be healthier, time for a job, more money, a clear plan for the future... All of these things would provide God the Deliverer but God is teaching me about some of His other characteristics.
He is all-knowing. 
He is faithful.
He is my only hope.
He is my joy.
He is my strength.
He is Emmanuel. 
He is good.
So today I am thankful for the times when God doesn't provide the ram because it is in those moments that I get to know and love more of Him.

worry.

Wednesday night Cofer preached on worry and stress in youth. I needed to hear the message but felt like it was more for the students than for me. This semester was flying by and was fairly easy in the beginning but now I feel like it's all piling up and it's stressing me out. I have huge papers and really important projects to get done in a short amount of time. I'm really overwhelmed. 
Today has just been one of those days where I am worried about everything under the sun - school, grades, friendships, relationships, doing the right thing, the future, etc. After my classes I decided I needed to take a walk so I went to the Salem Trail. As soon as I put my headphones on the music that filled my hears was exactly what I needed to hear. I was soaking up God's love and faithfulness and then I saw some squirrels enjoying their acorns. As I watched them eat God reminded me of the scripture that says just as He takes care of the flowers of the field, the birds of the air, the fish of the sea, and the squirrels on Salem Trail, how much more will He take care of me. 
Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes and reminding me of your faithful provision. Teach me not to worry. Thank you for being in everyday moments and for the squirrels on Salem Trail =)

just what I needed.

I spent way too much time on Facebook and Twitter...I'm working on it but I've got a long way to go...anyways...God used these social networking sites for His glory today. To let me love on long lost friends. To allow me opportunities to pray for those that are broken and hurting. To encourage me. To remind me that He is God and I am not. To show me that I am not alone. To remind me of His perfect timing and that He really does have it all under control. 


Thank you Jesus for providing just what I needed today.


www.andymerrick.com is doing an awesome series on the goodness of God this week. check it out.
"Jesus wept. There are times we will, too. Our tears and our pain don’t mean God isn’t good. It just means we’re not God. We can only see 3.1 miles. He sees the whole horizon! His designs in this life are HUGE! The tears and heartache come first. His goodness remains constant. Hold firm to Him. He is good."

"God does not cease being good when circumstances in our life become dim."

Heather Nicole - "More often than not, circumstances arise and things take place that leave us wondering, without a reason. You can't see how anything good could ever come from the situation you've found yourself in. Don't lose hope. You are not alone, and you are not forgotten. God sees you and He hasn't deserted you. His love is ever-constant, even when the loves of the world fail."

overflow

Last weekend I got to lead a group of girls at a Disciple Now Weekend in North Little Rock. My former youth pastor is now at Park Hill and asked me along with other people I'd been in youth with to come help out. It was awesome to get to watch old friends serve Jesus with their whole hearts. To sacrifice their weekend so that students could grow closer to our Father. 

I got to lead with Alex Edmonds. We got to spend some quality time together and I'm so grateful. I am super proud of her and amazed by her talent. She has an  ep album on itunes!! you should check her out! We led the tenth grade girls. They were such a blessing. During our times of bible study they opened up and shared about how their hearts are breaking for their lost friends. The whole youth group was amazing. They worshipped freely and passionately, it made my heart smile. 

Ken Freeman spoke all weekend. If you've never heard him you're missing out. He is extremely blunt and bold and I love it!! I was challenged and got to see lives changed forever! There were about 100 people saved in North Little Rock over the weekend. One of those people was my sister, Hannah. =) My heart is so happy for her!!She came on Sunday morning and at the end of the service I found her crying with my Mom. Everyone involved in the weekend had been praying HARD for salvation and open hearts. I had no idea Hannah was going to be a part of the answer to that prayer but I am so glad that she was! 


Thank you Jesus for youth that are passionate about the Gospel and are crazy in love with You. Thank you for salvation! Thank you for moving in North Little Rock! Let this only be the beginning =) Greater things are yet to come & greater things are still to be done here!

1 Peter 5:7

for the past few months our church has been going through a series on how to be a biblical family. we have been challenged to live out the Gospel in our homes. I think my Mom has been challenged by these messages because tonight she told me we were going to start memorizing scripture as a family. I'm excited about this and hope we take it seriously and keep it up because I need that accountability. Hope, my youngest sister, got to pick our first verse. 

1 Peter 5:7 - Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you. 

I need to give everything in my life to God. He believes it is all important. None of my worries or cares are insignificant to the Father. He doesn't forget about me. He always has time for me. He doesn't think I'm boring or not fun to be around. He CARES about me.  

unending love. amazing grace.

this morning we sang amazing grace and then a cute little old man sang it as a special. it was such a beautiful reminder of the grace that God has flooded me with the past few days. He is SO good. as we sang these words my heart was filled with the joy of His presence.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be

But God who called me here below will be forever mine
You are forever mine

perfect timing.

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

Not even an hour after I wrote my first blog entry God was pouring love out on me through my friends. I felt abandoned all weekend and then a flood of love and encouragement comes my way. Maybe He's teaching me patience or that His love will always be greatest. Last night I asked for prayer on facebook and people let me know they were praying. I got two texts from sweet girls in my life letting me know they love me. A girl's night was planned. Another friend shared Romans 8:28 with me. I am daily being reminded of God's perfect timing.

Thank you Jesus for knowing my heart and for blessing me with exactly what I needed in Your time.

never alone.

I had a really good week filled with lots of fun friends. This weekend was going to be a continuation of my great week according to my plans. Funny thing is God's plans don't always match up with mine. 

Friday after class I was going to see Emily and spend some much needed time with her in Malvern. School and work pretty much consume her life these days and we don't get much friend time in so I was really looking forward to this weekend. I gave up going on a retreat with the college ministry I'm apart of. I gave up a Friday night football game with my family. But I knew these sacrifices would be worth it.Hannah had my GPS so I googled directions but then I started feeling sick. I had prayed about going to Malvern. Something just didn't feel right but why would God not want me to go? I needed time with Emily. 

He used this sickness to keep me home. I used the night to rest, prepare for a DNOW  next weekend, and work on my documentary. These are things I needed to do but not what I planned for AT ALL. I was disappointed and lonely. I felt let down. Yet I had hope that this weekend was not a total waste and that today would be better...it was worse (kind of).

 I got to sleep in =) and spend some time with my precious little sister Hope Katherine. We played board games, basketball, and got ice cream. We went to visit my grandparents tonight which is something I've missed and been wanting to do. All good things. I should be happy, right? 

But my heart is not happy. Satan has been attacking me all weekend with lies and I've been believing every single one of them. He has been telling me that I am alone. I am not fun to be around which is why I have not been asked to do anything this weekend. I am unworthy of love. Etc. For a while I sat around feeling sorry for myself. Wishing life were different. Praying that God would make it better now.

Then I started reading my bible, God's love letter to me. And this is what I read today:

Philippians 4:4-7 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

so just now I "accidentally" found this: 

2 Thessalonians 3:3 - "But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one." amazing LOVE.

After reading these verses I journaled and asked for a heart change. I begged God for joy. I think what I really wanted was circumstantial happiness tonight but that's not what He had for me and I'm so glad!

I've been reading through Matthew and today I read in chapter 26. Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane feeling distressed and anguished. What does he do with these feelings? He cries out to His father..."My Father! If it is possible, let this cup be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." again he prays: "My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done." A third time He prays a similar prayer. I am so blessed to have a God who understands my struggles because He's been there and suffered through the same thing and He is suffering with me even now. I would LOVE for this nasty feeling to go away but maybe this "cup can't be taken away until I drink it". Maybe I have to endure this. Maybe it will be over when I wake up in the morning but maybe it won't. However long it lasts I am taking comfort in knowing that my Father's will is being done. 

Matthew 26 and those "joy" verses would have been enough but I turned to Psalm and read chapter 17 for today and then I read chapter 18. wow. I felt like God put this chapter in the bible just for me to read tonight. 

"I love you Lord; you are my strength. the Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise and he saved me from my enemies...But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears...He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters...He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because He delights in me...You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness...God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises are true." that's just a portion go read the whole chapter =)

This weekend was nothing like what I expected, desired, or planned. But it was exactly what God had for me. I'm still struggling with Satan and could use your prayers but I know my God is victorious. He saved the day! 


thank you Jesus for not giving me what I want. Thank you for making me have a lonely weekend. thank you for being with me through every moment. i'm sorry for not giving you all of me, for thinking i have better things to do than spend time with you. thank you for teachable moments. break me and change my heart. thank you for being for me and for never forsaking me in my weakness. your grace still amazes me. I love you!